Is Asperger's Hereditary? Another Son with Asperger's?

This blog has always had the little bit at the top that says, "Our experiences with 2 Aspies, maybe 3....", as our son MJ has Asperger's, my husband, and then we have always suspected our youngest daughter Rose to have it also.  Well, today, we might be adding another number to that tally.  We think our second son, Thomas, probably has Asperger's as well.

I suppose this is not just an all of the sudden realization that Thomas could have Asperger's.  All the signs have been there, yet we have chose to ignore them.  In some ways, his symptoms have been so extreme that they are almost shouting at us----"Hello!!!!  This is Asperger's!!!"  But why haven't we paid attention?

Back when our oldest son, MJ, was being diagnosed, the team of doctors mentioned to us that we should keep our eye on his younger brother, as he seemed to show some similarities, but I thought they were talking more about how he was really smart and reading at a young age like his older brother did.  

Thomas is our second son who is now 9 years old.  He's had his little eccentricities, but not in the same way as his older brother.  While he is very literal like his brother, I thought it was just from copying what his brother said.  He seems to have a lot of opposition when it comes to changing events or when something doesn't go the  way he planned, but I have always taken his whining and complaining as just that---stubbornness.  

Then there is the huge sensory issue.  Thomas cannot handle extreme sounds like high pitched noises, children screaming, a lot of commotion in a room, or he has always held his ears in pain whenever I vacuum.  As far as textures go, he freaks out by the feel of half of his clothes always complaining that they are not soft enough or scratchy.  No matter how hard I try to find the softest textures of PJ's, at night I always find him practically naked under the one and only fleece blanket that he will accept as he won't let any other blanket touch him.  He sleeps on top of his bedspread. 

As far as social things go, I've never really noticed that Thomas has problems talking to other kids or if he misunderstands social cues.  But then again, he is 9 years old and has never had a play date.  While he believes that "everyone" is his friend, I have never had another kid come over and ask to play or a parent ask to set up a play date.   He isn't invited to birthday parties.  Hmmm....

He has an extreme problem of not being able to look people in the eye.  I think it drives his piano teacher insane that he will never look at her when she is talking to him.  Actually he is usually looking anywhere but at the person talking to him.  He'll play the piano while intensely focusing on an object across the room.  How he does that and still plays so well is amazing to me at times, but it also seems not so good when at piano lessons as it seems he is not paying attention.  Well, that and how he seems to have this a little too long delay in his responses or you have to direct him to answer the teacher when she asks him a question or says "hi, how are you?" 

OK, so hello again!!!!  Look at all these things.....aren't they all just screaming "Asperger's!!!!"??? 

Well, no, we still just shrug it off.  

Actually, we were more concerned with a different problem affecting Thomas.  A few years ago we started to notice all these noises and facial tics with Thomas.  It began with sniffing, then gulping, swallowing, making clicky throat noises, then scrunching up his face and nose, making fish faces and blinking his eyes.  This seemed more out of whack for us ( I suppose we were used to all the other Asperger like traits) so we began taking him to doctors to figure things out.  There, it came to be that Thomas had Tourette Syndrome.  Tourette's is a condition where people tic and they can't control it.  Well, they may be able to suppress it, but it usually ends up exploding out after a while.  Now, many think it is the "swearing" disorder, but that is actually a form of Tourette's that is not always involved.  

So there----Thomas just has Tourette's.  Or so we thought.....

As we took him to different doctors, the thoughts of ADHD or hyperactivity disorders came around.  Well, yes, Thomas was the most hyper of all my children, and I swear I could not get him to focus on anything for longer than a minute!  It drove me absolutely insane!!!  He was always distracted by anything and everything!  While they evaluated him for that, they didn't seem to think he could be able to play the piano as well as he could if he had ADD or ADHD.  That, and our evaluations didn't match up with one overprotective teacher who scored him at all zero's.  We did learn that with Tourette's there is a lot of hyperactivity, so we just left it at that.

OK, back to the point of this post---the possibility of Asperger's.  Is it hereditary?  I believe it is, along with many other doctors.  But how much is hereditary and how much is just learned behavior?  I mean, younger brother has older brother and dad to look up to and they both have Asperger's.  How do I know what is him and what is just copied?  

Well, if all these characteristics weren't enough, a big one we have never connected is Thomas's massive obsessions.  I just thought he was an interesting kid who only wanted to play the piano for hours as a 4 year old.  Or, sure, my kid has obsessed about maps and atlases since he was 3 years old and spends hours just looking at maps, following roads, or making up games with atlases.  Sure, he likes to take the phone book into the car with us so he can go through every street and every map.  So.  Or, little teeny notebooks and papers.  He has to have every single thing or book that is mini.  It doesn't matter if it is some mini sized book about dirt.  It's mini, it's called "pocket" whatever, and he has to have it.  

I recently looked up an article that listed the characteristics of Asperger's in kids at http://autism.lovetoknow.com/Aspergers_Checklist, and although he doesn't seem to show the social clueless signs of Asperger's (well, maybe, I suppose he does think everyone is his best friend, but then nobody plays with him), all the other signs are there staring at me in the face.  That, and I was interested to see one of the symptoms they listed was "may have facial tics".  Hmmm...  

So now what?  Where do we go from here?  Do I need to have him evaluated?  Will doctors think I am crazy?  Do we just leave it be?  Well, this can be dilemma for another post.  But until then, I think I just might change my little description up there to "maybe 3.....maybe 4....."

Asperger's Syndrome; Hard on a Marriage

Over 12 years ago I met my husband and we were engaged only after 2 short months. We were married 4 months after that. Too short? I wonder sometimes.

I didn't know he had Asperger's Syndrome. Heck, he didn't know he had it. He thought he was just kind of weird. I didn't seem to notice or care maybe. Or maybe we made a good match since he seemed so forgetful and stress free, while I was always so needing to organize, stress, and control everything. Hmmmm...

I don't know which has been more difficult---the time we were married before we knew about his Asperger's, or the time since we realized and accepted it.

Before, we were always arguing. Well, I guess I was always yelling at him not understanding how he could forget to do things so often or not see the need to help me out here or there. Or how could he spend all his time playing video games and lose so much track of time, or why he got so upset with me if I changed something in the schedule. Why did little things upset him so much, yet big things seemed not a big deal? Amongst my yelling, he would always see the need to be better and promise me he'd change, yet it would all be forgotten by the next week.

What a pain I am. Really, I must be the most nagging, mean, and awful wife. Why do I expect so much? Why can't I just accept him and not want to change him? Why am I so pushy? Why did I have to push him so hard to get through college, and get a job and all that? I'm just a mean nagging wife who acts like his mother. That isn't what a wife should do.

I suppose after we figured out he had Asperger's it changed things a bit. I could understand now that he wasn't trying to be lazy or ignorant or mean. He really didn't see the need for doing things, and he couldn't understand his emotions when things didn't go as planned or he didn't understand how I was feeling and what I expected of him. He was trying to not get overfocused on unimportant things, but it was difficult. I knew he loved me and wanted to do good, it just didn't come out the right way.

So, yes, we still had our fights, yet I couldn't get as mad because he wasn't doing things or not doing things to upset me. I still got angry, yes, but what could I do? All I could do was say that I know he didn't mean this or that or that I knew he couldn't handle this or that, but I was still frustrated.

As I wrote in the previous post, I started taking care of more and more hoping it would make things better. Yet, I soon became very overwhelmed and feeling like this was not an equal partnership. I'm sure many little girls dream about when they get older and get married and how they will be taken care of and live happily ever after. Well, my picture of being taken care of was not working out. Why did I have to do everything, plan everything, figure out everything, fix everything......etc...etc? I just didn't want to do it anymore.

I was tired of being stressed because of all the times he was supposed to be somewhere but had forgotten or lost track of time. I was tired of being his constant reminder or sort of beeper to tell him when to come home from work and when to go to the dentist or when to pick up the kids from an activity. I was tired of getting to work late all the time because he hadn't gotten home on time to watch the kids. It was all wearing me down.

Well, he went on a business trip and for a week things were different. Not different for what regular things we had planned, but for this week I was all alone. I didn't have his help or an extra driver for the kids' activities, and I didn't have a helper to get the kids to bed or clean up or make dinner, but yet somehow everything went so much smoother.

How could this be? I had to do everything on my own. But then I realized it---it was because I was in control. I didn't have to worry about him remembering to leave work on time or getting a kid to dance class on time or exploding the kitchen while making dinner. (OK, I'm exaggerating there.)

And all of the sudden I was confused. I was confused with my emotions and feelings of independance. I felt as though I wasn't missing him. I was almost relieved he wasn't there. And what a horrible horrible feeling that was! What was wrong with me? Why would I think such awful things? I knew I loved him, but how could I feel this way?

So, yes, when he came back from his trip I told him some of these thoughts that had come to my mind. I told him I was tired of always having to be the one to call people or figure out what to do when things broke or blew up. I told him I was tired of always stressing out whether he will be home on time or get to an appointment on time. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I'm sure I talked for a long time and probably said pretty awful things, and to my dear Aspie husband, he took everything word for word and very literal. And for me, a non-Aspie, I'm sure most of my words that didn't mean to be literal were all taken like knives to his chest.

What an awful wife I was! And yes, my dear husband was deeply hurt and terrified that our marriage was over. He couldn't understand I would say things I didn't mean.

So, over the next few days all disaster broke lose for he felt the world was over and yet I was just getting over another "fight". Yet, we didn't see eye to eye. He wanted to change. He wanted to be more independent. It was just hard for him. He always had a plan and intended to be places on time, or remember to do things, yet there was always something else to draw his attention elsewhere or it was too difficult to talk to people or talk on the phone. And, yes, I understood these were all things difficult for someone with Asperger's, but it just upset me so. I didn't want to always take care of everything. And, I didn't accept that I needed to. I was willing to help, but I didn't want him to have to depend on me so much. He admitted it as well. And why not? He said I was always telling him when and what. Well, then that was my fault. I was more than a nagging wife. I had taken away his independance. How could he be able to do things on his own if I was always jumping in front and taking care of everything?

So, we talked and talked and talked....and figured a lot of things out. He was very successful at work. He got things done. People depended on him. He met deadlines. He was on the ball! He could do things. So what happened at home? I guess it was a lot me and my over controlling self, but he knew there were steps he could take to help out more or be more on time.

So, as any married couple, we talked and sorted things out, and even talked to a counselor to get our feelings out. It didn't last more than a few days. We value marriage and the committment it is. We love each other and our children. We want to do what is right.

Who is to say that any marriage can be difficult no matter what is mixed into the batter? So he has Asperger's Syndrome. So. I'm sure I have a bit of OCD. So. Maybe that makes us work.

There have been so many "specialists" or "experts" who have written articles about how marriage can't work with Asperger's Syndrome. Well, I think that is wrong. People have all sorts of differences, Asperger's may be one of them, but who is to say it is any harder than another couple that have their own issues? I won't accept it. Although I know we will continue to have our arguments and misunderstandings no matter now hard we try to understand one another, I know we will also continue to work our hardest to keep our marriage strong and love each other. You have to want it. We won't give up or give in to the statistics. And we will work to teach our son with Asperger's to also value marriage and relationships as we have full hopes for him falling in love one day and getting married as well.

For those of you out there working with your own marriages with Asperger's in the mix---hang in there. Sometimes it may feel like there is no hope, but I believe you can get through it if you want it badly enough. Work together. Fight to understand. Strive to accept your differences that cannot be changed, but try to work on those differences that can be adjusted.

To me dear Aspie husband, I know it isn't often you read my blogs, but I do love you and I'm sorry for the bazillion times I say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing. Just as you're trying to understand the weirdness of my neorotypical brain, I'm trying my best to understand yours. Together we can figure things out.

Too Dependent with Asperger's? Have I Taken Care of Too Much?

Here's a picture of our little family all wind blown at the park. We look all perfect and happy, don't we? I'd like to think of us that way. I think we function alright even with the quirks and drama that Asperger's can bring sometimes. We've figured out how to make things work or how to be more understanding when they don't. I've seen how my husband has been able to make a life and be successful with Asperger's, and so I've gained hope that my son can do just as well.

However, recently, we've had some struggles.
Our relationship has always had it's challenges. It seems like the first years of our marriage were full of so many fights about how I couldn't understand why he couldn't remember anything or see the need to do this or clean this, or I would get so frustrated when he would get so upset over little social things that I didn't think were such a big deal.

When we figured out that he probably had Asperger's (according to the professional opinion of the team of doctors who were diagnosing my son), it seemed to open up a whole new light and understanding to our relationship. While I would still become frustrated, I knew many of these characteristics or things that were upsetting me were not actually being done to be mean, or hurt, or the result of a husband who didn't care. He did care, and he did want to do better, but there always came so many obstacles.

He wanted to remember to take out the garbage or do the dishes or pay the bills, but he always forgot, or rather he would get distracted and absorbed into some other activity that he lost all track of time. He wanted to take care of things on his own, but he didn't know how to begin if the job seemed too large. He wanted to be able to deal with social situations, but often gave up because he didn't know how to react, respond, or he didn't understand what others were thinking.

So, maybe it was may fault. Maybe it's because I'm such a control freak. Maybe it's a good thing that an OCD control freak got married to an Aspie. Maybe that makes us a perfect match. But for an instant this past month, I wanted to throw in the towel. I mean, to me it seemed like our whole married life I was this big nag. All I did was constantly remind my husband that he needed to do this and that and how and when and why. I pushed him through college, I helped him find a job. I took over the finances when he kept forgetting to pay the bills. I gave up on him not helping around the house because of his lack of knowledge and sense of not knowing where or how to begin a job. I stopped giving him any sort of responsibilities involving the kids because I was tired of them being late or missing events. I stopped working during the week and moved my shifts to the weekends only so that I didn't have to worry about homework not getting done when left to my husband.

OK, so this sounds terrible doesn't it? He does do a lot. He has his good job that he does well at and he is smart and funny and honest and caring. Yet, I was just so tired and overwhelmed. I think I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Why did I have to do everything? When was it going to be my turn to be taken care of? This is how I felt. I just didn't want to do it anymore.

I started to think about our son and how I always had such hope for him to be on his own, but now all of the sudden I was seeing a different picture. Instead of seeing a future where MJ was going to make it on his own, I was seeing a future where he couldn't possibly do it on his own without the major help of another. Would he be able to get out there and do things on his own without me there to constantly cue him or remind him or tell him how to do everything? As I sat here and looked at my spouse, I was beginning to get very worried.

It must be my fault. I've enabled him in sort of a way. Maybe if I just stopped doing everything then he would have to take care of it on his own. But did I dare? I was afraid the bills wouldn't get paid, kids wouldn't get their assignments done and the house would go to pot. How could I? I guess I didn't really want to give up all control, but I just wanted the feeling that I could if I wanted to. And maybe I just wanted a little bit of help. Some relaxation time. Something.

And maybe I wanted the feeling of knowing my husband could choose to do things on his own without my suggestion. Wouldn't that be nice?

Or look at me? I've sort of developed into a rambling fool! It's probably again my own fault, but I have developed this awful problem where I can't stop talking. With Asperger's, there is a sort of processing delay where the person must stop and process everything before they speak. I often am very impatient and can't handle the long pause after I ask a question or talk, so I will just keep on talking.

I wanted to be loved or surprised or not have to specifically tell my husband of what to do for me on my birthday or a holiday, or how to show me he loved me. It didn't seem so special when I'd been the one to suggest an activity or action.

All these things overwhelmed me and I felt so frustrated and alone. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't like the way I was feeling.

Frustrating as it was, I confronted my husband one night, and as many things I said came out too literal, my poor husband was terribly devastated.

(Sorry to leave you hanging here, but I'll continue in another post. Don't worry, everything gets worked out somewhat.)

5 Hours of Homework!? Searching for a Better Plan for Help with Aspergers

Things had been working out pretty well for MJ. His 504 Plan seemed to be working and he had a PDA that he remembered most of the time, and mostly he was excelling in school. On occasion there would be a few missed things that he forgot to finish or take to school because he hadn't programmed them into his PDA, but over all it seemed like he was getting all his work taken care of and he was getting good grades.

MJ has actually become a pretty responsible kid. I believe a lot of it has to do with routine and expectations. He has a set of "jobs" that he is responsible for everyday before he is allowed to play on the computer. His "jobs" consist of:

1-clean room
2-do homework
3-unload the dishwasher
4-practice guitar

Nothing too major I believe. He is very good about getting them all done each day and then having time to spare. However, on a recent Monday everything was different.

Usually it takes him a half hour to do his homework which is normally just some spelling practice and occasionally a math worksheet he didn't finish in school. But on this particular day, for some reason he had a lot more homework than usual.

I set him off to do his homework, and a couple hours later I was surprised that he was still working on it. Had he been playing around? Distracted? Reading?
No.
He was actually working straight for 2 hours. So I asked him what he was doing, and he began telling me all the things he had for homework that night. He said not only did he have his regular spelling work, but he also had to do math homework out of his book, and then he had to finish 5 different reading/language segments out of his book which involved 5 different pages of essay questions, and then he had to finish some packet and also write what he called a "myth story".

Woh. How could he have so much work all of the sudden?

Now, knowing MJ, I figure he must have not finished these assignments in class because it is often that he doesn't finish, but usually he brings things home on and off and gets them done throughout the school year. Usually it is just a page or two in different subjects, but nothing like this. Something must be up, but what?

MJ tells me it is the end of the quarter this week and he has to finish all of his assignments by tomorrow. Still, this seemed like quite a lot, and as he continued doing his homework for the next 3 hours, I felt terrible as he struggled to finish while tears rolled down his face.

MJ has a very good teacher and she is very considerate and helpful and works with him very well, so I decided to send her an email about my concerns. She quickly emailed me back and gave me a call.

What came out was that they had this sort of deal. She was very accommodating and followed his 504 Plan well. She allowed him extra time to finish his assignments whether that mean in class, or to be taken home to finish later. While most kids turned in their work that day, she would tell MJ that he could finish it later and just turn it in whenever he was done.

That was the problem. A non-literal, direct bit of communication that doesn't seem like much, but to MJ it meant he didn't need to finish that work that same day, just whenever and then turn it in when he was done.

Now sooo sad that my kids are such procrastinators (well at least he did get around to it finally), but MJ would have never thought to bring home his assignments each night to finish because she had told him it didn't matter when just as long as he turned it in as he finished before the quarter ended. Poor MJ can't process this too well and unless a person tells him he needs to do this "NOW" or a more specific time frame, then he will more than likely not do it until it is actually due.

His teacher felt really bad that he had been doing nothing but homework for 5 hours, and I felt bad too, but he did need to get it done (although his teacher said he still had until the end of the week), but something was not working here.

Dang that PDA---MJ had run out the battery and it had erased all his programs and so he hadn't been using it for the last many weeks. Was this the problem too?

There is so much that can be overcome with Asperger's with technology, but what happens when technology dies, or runs out of batteries? MJ does so well with routines in fulfilling his responsibilities, but we need to possibly incorporate future and daily planning into his routine as well. He can't always assume there is going to be a deadline for all his work in life, and if there is not, is he going to be able to do his work without his boss or teacher saying "you must do this NOW" to direct him? I do not know. It is frustrating how literal an Aspie must be, and I wonder if he will grow and mature to figure things out more in life.

I look at my husband and see so many times still that he does not get things or understand what people have meant to say. His work is all deadlines, thank goodness, he uses his phone as a constant beeper/alarm to remind him when he needs to do things, but it is still not full proof. It is often he gets behind or misses programming something in there. Maybe it will be a struggle for MJ as the years go on. We need to figure out a better plan.

Using a PDA for help with Asperger's

For the past many school years one of MJ's biggest challenges was organization. It wasn't that he was so disorganized, but that he couldn't remember where he put things, or rather the bigger problem was that he could never remember to turn things in or bring homework home.

Part of his 504 Accommodation Plan had listed that he needed to write down all his assignments in a planner and then his teacher needed to review it with him at the end of every day and make sure he was getting everything needed into his backpack.

Now, this really wasn't working. Yeah, maybe the teacher would make sure and check off his planner, but then he would still get home from school day after day not having the book or worksheet that he needed to do. Plus, if he did bring it home and completed his homework, who was to know if he actually remembered to turn it in in the morning? It was so frustrating! I was going back to putting duct tape across his shirt that he couldn't remove until he put the assignment in his back pack or turned in something to his teacher.

Now, I wasn't frustrated at the teacher. I mean, I was asking a lot to have her have to give MJ extra attention to make sure he was taking home and turning in assignments, checking a planner, etc. I was more frustrated because it wasn't going to solve anything for MJ. Was this going to be his whole life? I didn't want him to have to rely on other people to get him to remember stuff for the rest of his life. Plus, it put a lot of burden on a school teacher who already has 25 other kids in a classroom. And, on top of that, what would happen next year when MJ goes to Junior High and has 7 different teachers? Would they all have to have special instruction to help MJ?

We are all about self management and independence, and so we began to think....what could we do? For my husband, also with Asperger's, he had the same problems with remembering things as MJ. I swear he could not remember to do anything if it weren't for his smart phone that he had programmed to beep at him and alert him whenever something needed to be done.

Well, that was it then! OK, so the school systems don't allow cell phones so how would we make this work?

Years ago before all the fancy phones came out, my husband bought a PDA for himself. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is basically a personal hand held little computer that can do anything from have the internet to be an alarm clock, play music, be an organizer, and more. We actually still had it and thought it would be awesome for MJ to use this to cue him during the day.

Now, how about incorporating it into the school? He didn't need it to play songs, have the internet, or play games, and for sure the school was not going to allow that. All we really wanted was it to have a way for MJ to enter in important information like homework assignments, when things are due, but then most important--a way for it to remind him when he needed to do something at school. The problem still would be if he would actually remember to program it or read the to do list.

Well, we decided to set up a sort of alarm system that would beep at him and he would have to take it out, read it and then turn it off. It couldn't be loud, and we didn't want it to distract the class often, so we set up 3 specific times to beep:

--Morning right after school starts--remind him to turn in all assignments

--Right before lunch---remind him to go the bathroom (Yes, I know this seems dumb, but seriously sometimes MJ is so involved that he can't even remember to go the bathroom and that makes for big problems later.)

--And finally, right before the end of school bell rings---remind him to get all assignments into backpack (He enters more specific when he knows what they are.) and then certain days when he has after school activities it will alert him when he is to stay at school instead of walk home.

We had presented the idea already with the Principal and the new 6th grade teacher, and they were OK of the idea so we sent him off to school to see if it would work.

Well, win some and lose some---there were some days when the battery was too low, or other days when he forgot to program something, some days he would forget to take it to school all together and we joked that he needed a PDA to remind him to remember the PDA! Overall though, I think it was helping. Some days it was frustrating that he would lose points on assignments because he had not remembered to bring something home, but it was because we weren't aware of it to program it in the PDA.
Over time I think he began learning when he needed to enter in new assignments or daily reminders based on what he needed to have done every week.

So, maybe this was going to work. No, a PDA is not fool proof, but it's something that can help gain independence for someone with Asperger's. It's maybe sad to think that he may have to rely on some computer to tell him when to take a shower, go to school, do an assignment, go here or there, but is it any different from anybody else that has a to do list, a personal planner, or something else to remind them?

I guess with Asperger's the difference is that a regular person would see the need for the basic stuff---like the need to take a shower, to go the bathroom, to eat, to clean up, when a person with Asperger's may not always realize the need until it is pretty far messy, stinky, or now they will have to rush to the bathroom. Not everyone is like this with Asperger's. I'm pretty sure my husband is a pretty clean person and takes daily showers and eats, and goes to work and yeah, he will clean up about the time he can't see the floor anymore or do some laundry when he doesn't have any more clean underwear! I figure he is very scheduled with most of his things though. There has to be a time for everything.

Problems from not Establishing an I.E.P

OK, now before you read this, I am not "bashing" MJ's teacher in any way. We are just trying to figure things out. We thought we needed an I.E.P., but then the school made it seem like things would work out. We've only looked to the school for direction and where to place MJ. We know teachers have enough responsibilities and kids to deal with and they can't focus on just one kid, but we are just trying to see what we can do or what accomodations need to be met.
*****

I thought we had been pretty lucky. We had gotten through 2nd grade without a struggle, and although we were seeing added characteristics of his Asperger's during the summer, we still thought maybe things were going to work out for MJ. We were on the ball and met with the teacher the first week of 3rd grade. We gave her an outline and a list of detailed information about MJ, and we thought things would go well, but soon things went elsewise.

#1-The first month of school I noticed right away that MJ was coming home with tons of homework. I felt bad for the poor kid. He would be doing homework from 4 pm till bedtime. I didn't understand. His teacher said at the beginning that homework shouldn't take longer than 45 minutes, but with all the stuff he had it wasn't possible.

I let it go for a while hoping things would mellow out, but they didn't. I finally emailed the teacher asking what was going on. She emailed back to say that MJ was supposed to be doing these things in class and only taking home what wasn't finished, but I guess somehow he wasn't even getting started on these huge booklets of work.

Well, then what was he doing? I know he has the distraction issue where he could see something on the window and stare at it for an hour, but wouldn't the teacher notice? She promised to keep a better eye on him and for us to let her know if anything got ugly again as far as homework.

#2-Homework wasn't bad for a while, but what MJ was having problems with were these timed math tests called 36's. (36 math problems that must be done in 90 seconds.) We found out about them over the summer and remember I directly asked the teacher how these were going to be worked out because of MJ's processing delay. She said she would try doing some orally, but really it doesn't matter orally or written, there is still the delay. I did not and still do not agree with timed math tests for grade. Sure, I think it's OK to have limits like you can't take forever but making math problems a pass or fail if not finished just seems unfair to me. If they know the facts, they know them. Why must they be timed?

Anyway, he was not doing that well on these. He knew them all and we worked with him daily shouting out multiplication and division problems but there is always the delay. He knew them all, and he wasn't stalling, it's just part of MJ. It takes his brain an extra second to process and verbalize or write. No big deal, but for a timed test it meant a big difference. Pass of fail! I kept telling him it didn't matter if he couldn't pass these off because I knew he knew them all and the tests were just stupid. (Yeah, I know, I probably shouldn't have been giving him a bad attitude, but I couldn't help it. They were unfair for a kid with his disabilities.) I told him I was proud of him no matter what.

He seemed to accept this until he started coming home telling me that the teacher was making him stay in from recess everyday until he passed off every 36 test. So, that meant he was being punished everyday to stay inside and do test after test after test until he could pass them. At this point he had stayed in the whole week so far.

#3-Now, the meltdown---one day in particular I picked up MJ from school and he was in tears. He was super upset because he had gotten in trouble repeatedly enough times that he was in big trouble with the school disciplinary rules. (They do so many warnings, and then you have to face consequences.)

I asked him what happened and he said first his teacher marked him down for not doing his work but he said he was trying but another group was working right next to him and he couldn't concentrate on what he was doing with them talking. (Now it is seriously impossible for MJ to work with a lot of distractions.)

Next he said he got in trouble because the class was talking. (OK, so group punishment, I can handle that.)

But then 2 strikes means you must stay in from recess. So OK, that's fine, but when it was time for recess his teacher came up to him and said "I hope you know that THIS IS RECESS TIME." So MJ, being that he takes everything literal and he must be constantly reminded and cued to remember things, looks at his teacher and takes her sentence as, hey--I need to go to recess now. So he does. And as soon as he does, his teacher tells him that he did not fullfill his punishment and stay in from recess, so he is in trouble a 3rd time.

OK, so it really wasn't a super big deal, but MJ was really upset. I mean, sure he was distracted, but couldn't he move to another place to work? And then if he is being punished, then can't you just remind him "Hey, remember you got marked down twice, so you need to stay in from recess" rather than making some hidden statement about it being recess time now (when you're really meaning, this is recess time now, NOT for you because you're in trouble) and then punishing him yet again for not fullfilling the punishment?

We already outlined all these things at the beginning of the year about
#1-processing delay
#2-distractions
#3-constant reminders
#4-the need to be cued
and many many more, but why was he getting in trouble again and again?

I felt so bad for him because he was just crying and crying trying to tell me how he didn't mean to do wrong and he didn't mean to be bad, he just forgot he was supposed to stay in and his teacher didn't remind him and why would she tell him it was recess time now?

So, goes to say, what I thought was going to a smooth year was just getting ugly, and apparently I was dumb to think he didn't need an I.E.P.

I did email her right away and I was actually very nice stating things like, "what can we do to help solve these problems together" and then restating some of the instructions and characteristics of Asperger's for her info. But when she did not email back, I took this as a negative, and a need for me to look for help in other places.

I immediately began contacting the school department head and calling MJ's team of doctors to see how we could go about establishing an I.E.P.

Distractions

Distractions.......this is usually a bad thing I suppose.

At certain points, I wish I COULD distract MJ away from being so focused in a book, a show, or some blob of super glue stuck to the desk, but at other times, these same things can act as such distractions to him from doing what he needs to be doing.

Homework has been a huge struggle. Well, it is a struggle when you are in a house with 3 other children.

"Do your homework MJ!"
"Finish your work!"
"Focus!"

This is just about impossible for MJ to do if there is any type of distraction.

I used to think he could sit there at the table next to his brother and they could both do their homework, but no. If someone else is sitting near him doing some other kind of work, then he can't but help to get involved in it instead of his own work.

I used to think he could sit quietly ALONE at the table and do his work, but no. There might be something stuck to the table that he becomes fascinated over, and then he has to stare at it and poke at it or whatever.

And just about ANYTHING can distract him! We have slowly found that the best place for MJ to work is up in his room at his desk and alone. Of course, this only works some of the time, and half of the time he has found a book or something else to start looking at instead of his homework, but it is getting better.

As far as school goes, we explained to the teacher that he needed to be cued every now and then to stay on track and that there was problems with over focus on something to not allow him to switch to another.

We hoped this would help and that the teacher would remember, but soon MJ would come home with a really upsetting day.