Asperger's Syndrome and Too Much Commotion

Even though we have 2 people in our family with Asperger's Syndrome (while I will still believe our youngest is going to be #3), they can each still be somewhat different than each other.  Generally, it seems that most people with Asperger's Syndrome tend to shy away from crowds or not like a lot of commotion.  With our family it seem some of both.  

We had a free gift certificate to a children's museum that was about to expire, so on a day off, we took the family up for a visit.  I guess everyone else in the state had the same idea, because the place was packed!  

Our youngest, Rose, who had been doing so much better around other people and learning to talk more in preschool, was at first excited to enter a play area, but as soon as others came in, she was afraid and shrunk away from any play.  

Our son, MJ who is the officially diagnosed Aspie, wasn't bothered at all.  That is one thing different with him.  He seems to run around in any situation not so much worrying about who or what is going on.  He is almost oblivious to it all.  This can be good or bad at times.  I guess it is great that all the people and loudness don't bother him, but rather it is that he doesn't know how to act in the right situations.  He can be loud and obnoxious in a quiet setting and not understand why it matters, or he can be too soft in a loud situation so as no one can hear anything he is saying.  But, at least he was having fun and it didn't bother him that there was a billion other kids running around like mad.

Then of course, there was my husband who seemed to be affected the most.  He doesn't have huge meltdowns or freak out in a loud way, but when something is bothering him, I can see it in his eyes that he is having this internal battle or meltdown in which he needs to get out of the situation ASAP or he is going to lose it.  Well, this is what he was doing.  And, really, I couldn't blame him, as it was really crazy in this place today.   

But anyway, I could see that he needed to get out of there.  It was just too much.  There was too much noise and too many people.  But where could he escape to?  

In the corner of the toddler/baby area was a little "Nursing Mothers Area" where moms could go and nurse their babies in a sort of quieter corner.  I laughed when I look across the large room to see him and our youngest hiding with the nursing moms just reading a book and pointing out pictures together.  

It is interesting.  I know this isn't the first time for them to not be able to handle the craziness of something.  When our 2nd son had a birthday party with over 12 kids in the backyard one year, even that was too much for my husband.  It is often if there is too much going on, too many people, or just too much noise, that afterward he will have to go to a sort of quiet place to get himself back together for an hour or more.  The more the commotion and craziness, the longer he'll need to take to feel better.  You can't even talk to him at times.  He needs to just be by himself and have his own time to do whatever he wants.  I try to be good.  I try to let him have his time and know that when he has settled down that he can be back to his old self again.  

Asperger's Syndrome; Hard on a Marriage

Over 12 years ago I met my husband and we were engaged only after 2 short months. We were married 4 months after that. Too short? I wonder sometimes.

I didn't know he had Asperger's Syndrome. Heck, he didn't know he had it. He thought he was just kind of weird. I didn't seem to notice or care maybe. Or maybe we made a good match since he seemed so forgetful and stress free, while I was always so needing to organize, stress, and control everything. Hmmmm...

I don't know which has been more difficult---the time we were married before we knew about his Asperger's, or the time since we realized and accepted it.

Before, we were always arguing. Well, I guess I was always yelling at him not understanding how he could forget to do things so often or not see the need to help me out here or there. Or how could he spend all his time playing video games and lose so much track of time, or why he got so upset with me if I changed something in the schedule. Why did little things upset him so much, yet big things seemed not a big deal? Amongst my yelling, he would always see the need to be better and promise me he'd change, yet it would all be forgotten by the next week.

What a pain I am. Really, I must be the most nagging, mean, and awful wife. Why do I expect so much? Why can't I just accept him and not want to change him? Why am I so pushy? Why did I have to push him so hard to get through college, and get a job and all that? I'm just a mean nagging wife who acts like his mother. That isn't what a wife should do.

I suppose after we figured out he had Asperger's it changed things a bit. I could understand now that he wasn't trying to be lazy or ignorant or mean. He really didn't see the need for doing things, and he couldn't understand his emotions when things didn't go as planned or he didn't understand how I was feeling and what I expected of him. He was trying to not get overfocused on unimportant things, but it was difficult. I knew he loved me and wanted to do good, it just didn't come out the right way.

So, yes, we still had our fights, yet I couldn't get as mad because he wasn't doing things or not doing things to upset me. I still got angry, yes, but what could I do? All I could do was say that I know he didn't mean this or that or that I knew he couldn't handle this or that, but I was still frustrated.

As I wrote in the previous post, I started taking care of more and more hoping it would make things better. Yet, I soon became very overwhelmed and feeling like this was not an equal partnership. I'm sure many little girls dream about when they get older and get married and how they will be taken care of and live happily ever after. Well, my picture of being taken care of was not working out. Why did I have to do everything, plan everything, figure out everything, fix everything......etc...etc? I just didn't want to do it anymore.

I was tired of being stressed because of all the times he was supposed to be somewhere but had forgotten or lost track of time. I was tired of being his constant reminder or sort of beeper to tell him when to come home from work and when to go to the dentist or when to pick up the kids from an activity. I was tired of getting to work late all the time because he hadn't gotten home on time to watch the kids. It was all wearing me down.

Well, he went on a business trip and for a week things were different. Not different for what regular things we had planned, but for this week I was all alone. I didn't have his help or an extra driver for the kids' activities, and I didn't have a helper to get the kids to bed or clean up or make dinner, but yet somehow everything went so much smoother.

How could this be? I had to do everything on my own. But then I realized it---it was because I was in control. I didn't have to worry about him remembering to leave work on time or getting a kid to dance class on time or exploding the kitchen while making dinner. (OK, I'm exaggerating there.)

And all of the sudden I was confused. I was confused with my emotions and feelings of independance. I felt as though I wasn't missing him. I was almost relieved he wasn't there. And what a horrible horrible feeling that was! What was wrong with me? Why would I think such awful things? I knew I loved him, but how could I feel this way?

So, yes, when he came back from his trip I told him some of these thoughts that had come to my mind. I told him I was tired of always having to be the one to call people or figure out what to do when things broke or blew up. I told him I was tired of always stressing out whether he will be home on time or get to an appointment on time. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I'm sure I talked for a long time and probably said pretty awful things, and to my dear Aspie husband, he took everything word for word and very literal. And for me, a non-Aspie, I'm sure most of my words that didn't mean to be literal were all taken like knives to his chest.

What an awful wife I was! And yes, my dear husband was deeply hurt and terrified that our marriage was over. He couldn't understand I would say things I didn't mean.

So, over the next few days all disaster broke lose for he felt the world was over and yet I was just getting over another "fight". Yet, we didn't see eye to eye. He wanted to change. He wanted to be more independent. It was just hard for him. He always had a plan and intended to be places on time, or remember to do things, yet there was always something else to draw his attention elsewhere or it was too difficult to talk to people or talk on the phone. And, yes, I understood these were all things difficult for someone with Asperger's, but it just upset me so. I didn't want to always take care of everything. And, I didn't accept that I needed to. I was willing to help, but I didn't want him to have to depend on me so much. He admitted it as well. And why not? He said I was always telling him when and what. Well, then that was my fault. I was more than a nagging wife. I had taken away his independance. How could he be able to do things on his own if I was always jumping in front and taking care of everything?

So, we talked and talked and talked....and figured a lot of things out. He was very successful at work. He got things done. People depended on him. He met deadlines. He was on the ball! He could do things. So what happened at home? I guess it was a lot me and my over controlling self, but he knew there were steps he could take to help out more or be more on time.

So, as any married couple, we talked and sorted things out, and even talked to a counselor to get our feelings out. It didn't last more than a few days. We value marriage and the committment it is. We love each other and our children. We want to do what is right.

Who is to say that any marriage can be difficult no matter what is mixed into the batter? So he has Asperger's Syndrome. So. I'm sure I have a bit of OCD. So. Maybe that makes us work.

There have been so many "specialists" or "experts" who have written articles about how marriage can't work with Asperger's Syndrome. Well, I think that is wrong. People have all sorts of differences, Asperger's may be one of them, but who is to say it is any harder than another couple that have their own issues? I won't accept it. Although I know we will continue to have our arguments and misunderstandings no matter now hard we try to understand one another, I know we will also continue to work our hardest to keep our marriage strong and love each other. You have to want it. We won't give up or give in to the statistics. And we will work to teach our son with Asperger's to also value marriage and relationships as we have full hopes for him falling in love one day and getting married as well.

For those of you out there working with your own marriages with Asperger's in the mix---hang in there. Sometimes it may feel like there is no hope, but I believe you can get through it if you want it badly enough. Work together. Fight to understand. Strive to accept your differences that cannot be changed, but try to work on those differences that can be adjusted.

To me dear Aspie husband, I know it isn't often you read my blogs, but I do love you and I'm sorry for the bazillion times I say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing. Just as you're trying to understand the weirdness of my neorotypical brain, I'm trying my best to understand yours. Together we can figure things out.

Too Dependent with Asperger's? Have I Taken Care of Too Much?

Here's a picture of our little family all wind blown at the park. We look all perfect and happy, don't we? I'd like to think of us that way. I think we function alright even with the quirks and drama that Asperger's can bring sometimes. We've figured out how to make things work or how to be more understanding when they don't. I've seen how my husband has been able to make a life and be successful with Asperger's, and so I've gained hope that my son can do just as well.

However, recently, we've had some struggles.
Our relationship has always had it's challenges. It seems like the first years of our marriage were full of so many fights about how I couldn't understand why he couldn't remember anything or see the need to do this or clean this, or I would get so frustrated when he would get so upset over little social things that I didn't think were such a big deal.

When we figured out that he probably had Asperger's (according to the professional opinion of the team of doctors who were diagnosing my son), it seemed to open up a whole new light and understanding to our relationship. While I would still become frustrated, I knew many of these characteristics or things that were upsetting me were not actually being done to be mean, or hurt, or the result of a husband who didn't care. He did care, and he did want to do better, but there always came so many obstacles.

He wanted to remember to take out the garbage or do the dishes or pay the bills, but he always forgot, or rather he would get distracted and absorbed into some other activity that he lost all track of time. He wanted to take care of things on his own, but he didn't know how to begin if the job seemed too large. He wanted to be able to deal with social situations, but often gave up because he didn't know how to react, respond, or he didn't understand what others were thinking.

So, maybe it was may fault. Maybe it's because I'm such a control freak. Maybe it's a good thing that an OCD control freak got married to an Aspie. Maybe that makes us a perfect match. But for an instant this past month, I wanted to throw in the towel. I mean, to me it seemed like our whole married life I was this big nag. All I did was constantly remind my husband that he needed to do this and that and how and when and why. I pushed him through college, I helped him find a job. I took over the finances when he kept forgetting to pay the bills. I gave up on him not helping around the house because of his lack of knowledge and sense of not knowing where or how to begin a job. I stopped giving him any sort of responsibilities involving the kids because I was tired of them being late or missing events. I stopped working during the week and moved my shifts to the weekends only so that I didn't have to worry about homework not getting done when left to my husband.

OK, so this sounds terrible doesn't it? He does do a lot. He has his good job that he does well at and he is smart and funny and honest and caring. Yet, I was just so tired and overwhelmed. I think I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Why did I have to do everything? When was it going to be my turn to be taken care of? This is how I felt. I just didn't want to do it anymore.

I started to think about our son and how I always had such hope for him to be on his own, but now all of the sudden I was seeing a different picture. Instead of seeing a future where MJ was going to make it on his own, I was seeing a future where he couldn't possibly do it on his own without the major help of another. Would he be able to get out there and do things on his own without me there to constantly cue him or remind him or tell him how to do everything? As I sat here and looked at my spouse, I was beginning to get very worried.

It must be my fault. I've enabled him in sort of a way. Maybe if I just stopped doing everything then he would have to take care of it on his own. But did I dare? I was afraid the bills wouldn't get paid, kids wouldn't get their assignments done and the house would go to pot. How could I? I guess I didn't really want to give up all control, but I just wanted the feeling that I could if I wanted to. And maybe I just wanted a little bit of help. Some relaxation time. Something.

And maybe I wanted the feeling of knowing my husband could choose to do things on his own without my suggestion. Wouldn't that be nice?

Or look at me? I've sort of developed into a rambling fool! It's probably again my own fault, but I have developed this awful problem where I can't stop talking. With Asperger's, there is a sort of processing delay where the person must stop and process everything before they speak. I often am very impatient and can't handle the long pause after I ask a question or talk, so I will just keep on talking.

I wanted to be loved or surprised or not have to specifically tell my husband of what to do for me on my birthday or a holiday, or how to show me he loved me. It didn't seem so special when I'd been the one to suggest an activity or action.

All these things overwhelmed me and I felt so frustrated and alone. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't like the way I was feeling.

Frustrating as it was, I confronted my husband one night, and as many things I said came out too literal, my poor husband was terribly devastated.

(Sorry to leave you hanging here, but I'll continue in another post. Don't worry, everything gets worked out somewhat.)

Why Should It Matter? Telling A Boy About His Asperger's

Here's my cute MJ. 11 years old with Asperger's. In my last post I was all concerned about MJ really understanding what Asperger's is all about. I sent my husband, an Aspie himself, to go down and have a heart to heart with my son and let him know what really was up and how it was going to affect him or not as he got older.

OK, now, I received a few comments, and I'm hoping that I didn't come across the wrong way, because I don't think of Asperger's as being something "wrong" with a person. I have always embraced it's characteristics as unique traits rather and not misfortunes or problems.

Now, true, my idea was that my husband was going to go talk to my son and just kind of say something toward, "You know we have Asperger's, right? Well, let me explain a little more in detail about what it is or why we don't get things all the time...." or maybe some kind of conversation about how life might be challenging for us but we can overcome it.....etc....etc...

But did that happen? Well, no. My husband came up and I asked him what happened. He said he made MJ cry. Oh, no. That's not good. But when I asked what he said, it wasn't the ideas that I had imagined. He said he didn't really mention much about Asperger's and he just talked about how school was really hard for him and he didn't have any friends and it was ugly and how MJ would be going to junior high soon and things were probably going to be hard and teachers probably weren't going to care as much....and how MJ was going to probably struggle to make things work for him.

So....hmmmm.....really, did this conversation do any good for MJ? Hmmm.....I think maybe it just freaked him out a bit more.

But then, really, what was I thinking anyway?

We recently decided to establish a support group for people with Asperger's or those who have friends and/or family members with Asperger's (which I'll go into more detail on in another post). At one of our meetings we met a gal who had been diagnosed with AS at age 19. I brought up this discussion with her saying how I had always explained Asperger's to my son as "You know how your brain is wired a little differently, you know you and dad...." and then how I would explain how he didn't quite get something and what or how he should have acted or responded. And this awesome gal said to me something like, "Why? Why do you need to say that in the first place?" Basically she told me that I didn't need to be starting all these conversations trying to explain why he was acting different than someone else or why he didn't figure something out, but all I needed to be doing was just stating the situation that went wrong, telling him it's not appropriate, and then showing him how to correct the situation, or teaching him how to act next time.

This was very eye opening to me. Really, why do I have this need to have to tell my son or husband that "Gee, I know this is because you think differently or this is because you have Asperger's....." I mean, I guess I just felt this need to make sure my son didn't feel bad or I didn't want him to feel like there was something wrong with him that was his fault. But really, the world just wants people to be normal, and if any other kid of mine did something inappropriate, then I would just stop them, correct them, and teach them. Why should it be different with someone with Asperger's? Yes, they may be different as far as processing things differently, and not picking up on things as easily as another who learns things more intuitively, but why should that matter? They can still learn and try.

So, while I was once concerned about this need for my son to be more knowledgeable about his Asperger's and what to expect as he gets older, really, why? All I really should be doing is teaching him, guiding, him, and doing my best as a mother to prepare him for the future, for growing up, and going out into the real world on his own.

I say so much that Asperger's is not a disability but just a different way of life, but I've got to truly understand that myself and show that better by correcting my words and truly accepting my kids and husband, Aspies or not.

Should You Tell Your Child They Have Asperger's?

The years are going by. MJ just had his 11th birthday.
11.
Next fall he will be starting Junior High School.
He's not a little kid anymore.

So, when should we really sit down and have the "You Have Asperger's" talk? Or should we?

OK, now as MJ was first diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 7 years old, he knew something was up. I'm not sure he knew or understood what that something was, but he knew. We've never necessarily hidden anything from him, although I have often chose to talk with teachers and doctors without him in the room as to not make him feel awkward. But, as he has gotten older, I slowly started making him aware that he was a little bit "different".

It seems weird that I am saying this, but thank goodness my husband has Asperger's so that I can somehow connect someone else to him and he can see that it's not some death sentence or anything. About the time MJ was 9 years old I started telling him how his brain was "wired differently than other people". He knows the word Asperger's Syndrome, but the way I explain it to him is that his brain works a little differently and he processes things a bit differently, and there is nothing wrong with it, why his dad has the same thing and thinks the same way and he does OK.

So, this has worked for a while, as we often sit down at the table and have our "Social Teaching Sessions" where I help explain to both my husband and my son what happened during a social event that we just attended that they didn't quite get, or it's where I might explain to them why they were not accepted appropriately or they didn't respond the "socially acceptable" way.

Now, really, I love my boys and I honestly cherish many of their Asperger traits, so I will tell them a lot of the social rules are just plain dumb, but it's the way most people do things and it's just something they have to learn, but I never tell them they are bad or wrong exactly, I just try to show them other ways to behave or respond in certain situations and I try to explain what they can do in circumstances where they are probably not going to understand or figure things out. I'll explain more in detail about some of our "tricks" to overcoming social misunderstandings in another post.

However, things have been getting difficult lately. I don't think MJ quite understands what Asperger's is exactly and I don't think he realizes that it is a part of him that isn't going to go away and that he needs to accept it and figure out how he's going to deal with it in life.

But how do you do this? I mean, how do you sit down your kid and tell them there is something "wrong" with them without telling them that there is something wrong. Does that make sense even? I don't think Asperger's is something wrong, and I honestly don't consider it a disability. I have always said it is just a different way of life, but as my husband, an Aspie himself, tells me that it is a disability, yet it is something that can be overcome. He has struggled as a boy growing up always knowing that he was "weird" or something was wrong or different with him. Why didn't kids like him? What was it that he couldn't figure out? He thinks of his Asperger's as a true disability, but it's not something that is going to stop him from succeeding in life. He finds ways everyday to overcome or challenge his Asperger traits. It's like trying to live normal.

Well, I told my husband that I couldn't do it. I'm the one who has been talking this all up for years trying to gently tell my son that he has Asperger's but it's no big deal because Daddy does too, and they are both just different, but I don't think he is getting it all the way. He knows he has different struggles that other kids don't, but then much of the time I think he may even think it is just funny the mistakes he makes. Who knows, but I told my husband that he needed to be the one to talk to him. It wouldn't be right coming from me. If anyone was going to sit down and truly tell another person that they have this syndrome, or this disability, wouldn't it be best coming from someone else who has lived with it all their life and really understands what it means and how it affects their life?

So, as I'm typing up this blog, my dear Aspie husband is downstairs having a heart to heart with my sweet, talented 11 year old son who also has Asperger's. Yet, this may be the first time he really hears everything it entails.

5 Hours of Homework!? Searching for a Better Plan for Help with Aspergers

Things had been working out pretty well for MJ. His 504 Plan seemed to be working and he had a PDA that he remembered most of the time, and mostly he was excelling in school. On occasion there would be a few missed things that he forgot to finish or take to school because he hadn't programmed them into his PDA, but over all it seemed like he was getting all his work taken care of and he was getting good grades.

MJ has actually become a pretty responsible kid. I believe a lot of it has to do with routine and expectations. He has a set of "jobs" that he is responsible for everyday before he is allowed to play on the computer. His "jobs" consist of:

1-clean room
2-do homework
3-unload the dishwasher
4-practice guitar

Nothing too major I believe. He is very good about getting them all done each day and then having time to spare. However, on a recent Monday everything was different.

Usually it takes him a half hour to do his homework which is normally just some spelling practice and occasionally a math worksheet he didn't finish in school. But on this particular day, for some reason he had a lot more homework than usual.

I set him off to do his homework, and a couple hours later I was surprised that he was still working on it. Had he been playing around? Distracted? Reading?
No.
He was actually working straight for 2 hours. So I asked him what he was doing, and he began telling me all the things he had for homework that night. He said not only did he have his regular spelling work, but he also had to do math homework out of his book, and then he had to finish 5 different reading/language segments out of his book which involved 5 different pages of essay questions, and then he had to finish some packet and also write what he called a "myth story".

Woh. How could he have so much work all of the sudden?

Now, knowing MJ, I figure he must have not finished these assignments in class because it is often that he doesn't finish, but usually he brings things home on and off and gets them done throughout the school year. Usually it is just a page or two in different subjects, but nothing like this. Something must be up, but what?

MJ tells me it is the end of the quarter this week and he has to finish all of his assignments by tomorrow. Still, this seemed like quite a lot, and as he continued doing his homework for the next 3 hours, I felt terrible as he struggled to finish while tears rolled down his face.

MJ has a very good teacher and she is very considerate and helpful and works with him very well, so I decided to send her an email about my concerns. She quickly emailed me back and gave me a call.

What came out was that they had this sort of deal. She was very accommodating and followed his 504 Plan well. She allowed him extra time to finish his assignments whether that mean in class, or to be taken home to finish later. While most kids turned in their work that day, she would tell MJ that he could finish it later and just turn it in whenever he was done.

That was the problem. A non-literal, direct bit of communication that doesn't seem like much, but to MJ it meant he didn't need to finish that work that same day, just whenever and then turn it in when he was done.

Now sooo sad that my kids are such procrastinators (well at least he did get around to it finally), but MJ would have never thought to bring home his assignments each night to finish because she had told him it didn't matter when just as long as he turned it in as he finished before the quarter ended. Poor MJ can't process this too well and unless a person tells him he needs to do this "NOW" or a more specific time frame, then he will more than likely not do it until it is actually due.

His teacher felt really bad that he had been doing nothing but homework for 5 hours, and I felt bad too, but he did need to get it done (although his teacher said he still had until the end of the week), but something was not working here.

Dang that PDA---MJ had run out the battery and it had erased all his programs and so he hadn't been using it for the last many weeks. Was this the problem too?

There is so much that can be overcome with Asperger's with technology, but what happens when technology dies, or runs out of batteries? MJ does so well with routines in fulfilling his responsibilities, but we need to possibly incorporate future and daily planning into his routine as well. He can't always assume there is going to be a deadline for all his work in life, and if there is not, is he going to be able to do his work without his boss or teacher saying "you must do this NOW" to direct him? I do not know. It is frustrating how literal an Aspie must be, and I wonder if he will grow and mature to figure things out more in life.

I look at my husband and see so many times still that he does not get things or understand what people have meant to say. His work is all deadlines, thank goodness, he uses his phone as a constant beeper/alarm to remind him when he needs to do things, but it is still not full proof. It is often he gets behind or misses programming something in there. Maybe it will be a struggle for MJ as the years go on. We need to figure out a better plan.

Using a PDA for help with Asperger's

For the past many school years one of MJ's biggest challenges was organization. It wasn't that he was so disorganized, but that he couldn't remember where he put things, or rather the bigger problem was that he could never remember to turn things in or bring homework home.

Part of his 504 Accommodation Plan had listed that he needed to write down all his assignments in a planner and then his teacher needed to review it with him at the end of every day and make sure he was getting everything needed into his backpack.

Now, this really wasn't working. Yeah, maybe the teacher would make sure and check off his planner, but then he would still get home from school day after day not having the book or worksheet that he needed to do. Plus, if he did bring it home and completed his homework, who was to know if he actually remembered to turn it in in the morning? It was so frustrating! I was going back to putting duct tape across his shirt that he couldn't remove until he put the assignment in his back pack or turned in something to his teacher.

Now, I wasn't frustrated at the teacher. I mean, I was asking a lot to have her have to give MJ extra attention to make sure he was taking home and turning in assignments, checking a planner, etc. I was more frustrated because it wasn't going to solve anything for MJ. Was this going to be his whole life? I didn't want him to have to rely on other people to get him to remember stuff for the rest of his life. Plus, it put a lot of burden on a school teacher who already has 25 other kids in a classroom. And, on top of that, what would happen next year when MJ goes to Junior High and has 7 different teachers? Would they all have to have special instruction to help MJ?

We are all about self management and independence, and so we began to think....what could we do? For my husband, also with Asperger's, he had the same problems with remembering things as MJ. I swear he could not remember to do anything if it weren't for his smart phone that he had programmed to beep at him and alert him whenever something needed to be done.

Well, that was it then! OK, so the school systems don't allow cell phones so how would we make this work?

Years ago before all the fancy phones came out, my husband bought a PDA for himself. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is basically a personal hand held little computer that can do anything from have the internet to be an alarm clock, play music, be an organizer, and more. We actually still had it and thought it would be awesome for MJ to use this to cue him during the day.

Now, how about incorporating it into the school? He didn't need it to play songs, have the internet, or play games, and for sure the school was not going to allow that. All we really wanted was it to have a way for MJ to enter in important information like homework assignments, when things are due, but then most important--a way for it to remind him when he needed to do something at school. The problem still would be if he would actually remember to program it or read the to do list.

Well, we decided to set up a sort of alarm system that would beep at him and he would have to take it out, read it and then turn it off. It couldn't be loud, and we didn't want it to distract the class often, so we set up 3 specific times to beep:

--Morning right after school starts--remind him to turn in all assignments

--Right before lunch---remind him to go the bathroom (Yes, I know this seems dumb, but seriously sometimes MJ is so involved that he can't even remember to go the bathroom and that makes for big problems later.)

--And finally, right before the end of school bell rings---remind him to get all assignments into backpack (He enters more specific when he knows what they are.) and then certain days when he has after school activities it will alert him when he is to stay at school instead of walk home.

We had presented the idea already with the Principal and the new 6th grade teacher, and they were OK of the idea so we sent him off to school to see if it would work.

Well, win some and lose some---there were some days when the battery was too low, or other days when he forgot to program something, some days he would forget to take it to school all together and we joked that he needed a PDA to remind him to remember the PDA! Overall though, I think it was helping. Some days it was frustrating that he would lose points on assignments because he had not remembered to bring something home, but it was because we weren't aware of it to program it in the PDA.
Over time I think he began learning when he needed to enter in new assignments or daily reminders based on what he needed to have done every week.

So, maybe this was going to work. No, a PDA is not fool proof, but it's something that can help gain independence for someone with Asperger's. It's maybe sad to think that he may have to rely on some computer to tell him when to take a shower, go to school, do an assignment, go here or there, but is it any different from anybody else that has a to do list, a personal planner, or something else to remind them?

I guess with Asperger's the difference is that a regular person would see the need for the basic stuff---like the need to take a shower, to go the bathroom, to eat, to clean up, when a person with Asperger's may not always realize the need until it is pretty far messy, stinky, or now they will have to rush to the bathroom. Not everyone is like this with Asperger's. I'm pretty sure my husband is a pretty clean person and takes daily showers and eats, and goes to work and yeah, he will clean up about the time he can't see the floor anymore or do some laundry when he doesn't have any more clean underwear! I figure he is very scheduled with most of his things though. There has to be a time for everything.

Introducing Asperger's to the 6th Grade Teacher

MJ has skipped a whole grade and was starting 6th grade this year. Skipping grades with Asperger's? It might be extra challenging.

Usually the way things went, we were to supposed to set up or review his 504 Accomodation Plan through the principal, and it is signed by parents, teachers, and student involved. His plan was set to be renewed last May, but the principal was leaving the school and decided it was best to wait to renew it in the fall with the new principal and new teacher. So that is what we were waiting to do.

This time, however, I decided to do things differently this year. In the past we had always met with MJ's new teachers to discuss his Asperger's, but usually it was after the first week of school. It had seemed OK, but things were different this year. Rather than make an appointment to discuss things with the new principal, I decided to go to where things really mattered first. I decided to set up a meeting with MJ's new teacher first, and also, to meet with her before school even started. She was the one who was going to be directly involved with my son, and so I felt it best I talked things over with her first. When we initially set up MJ's 504 Plan, I felt embarrassed, if not guilty, the way it was all set up by the Principal and school counselor. It is all school protocol, but I felt like the teacher was just brought in and told what she was going to do without having much input on the situation. So, I figured I'd at least give the new teacher a heads up on this new student. Plus, it would be nice to see what she thought of everything before approaching the principal for renewal. So, I set up an appointment for a week before school started to meet with MJ's new teacher.

Now, maybe I was going overboard, but I typed up a list of 12 things entitling it "Differences With Asperger's Syndrome Specific to MJ". I mean, I wasn't going to leave any questions unanswered, and I figured it would be a sort of guideline/help for the teacher if any problems arose. I hope it wasn't too much, but here is what I listed:

1-Lack of Eye Contact
2-Difficulty in Remembering Basic Tasks
3-Difficulty in Cognitive Listening
4-Misunderstanding of Social Norms
5-Lack of Emotional Response
6-Inability to Understand Non-Literal Communication
7-Processing Delay
8-Difficulty in handwriting and understanding Spacial Relationships
9-Misunderstanding of Personal Space
10-Problems with Gross Motor Skills
11-Difficulties with Transitions or Change in Routine
12-Difficulty with Communication

Now, along with this list, next to each characteristic I explained what I meant and some of the solutions that we have created for better self management. I explained which characteristics had specific accommodations already set up in his 504 Plan, and also gave a few suggestions of what worked well with MJ.

MJ's 504 Plan had 6 key points:

1-Preferential Seating closest to the teacher
2-Allow extra time on written assignments, or limit the amount
3-Cuing MJ when invading personal space
4-Allowing the use of graph paper for written assignments
5-Cuing MJ when not talking appropriately (slow down, softer, louder)
6-Helping MJ with communicating assignments and getting all needed materials home

Pretty much we weren't going to be changing anything with the 504 Plan Renewal. We were going to one small idea to the last point, but I'll share that idea in my next post.

So, I feel bad. Poor teacher who I basically just bombarded with all this information before school started. Here I am trying to explain to her that our son is "basically normal and like any other kid" but at the same time I am shoving all this bizarre information to her obviously showing that he is not just normal. Maybe I did too much, but I just didn't want to leave any rock unturned and I just decided to give out ALL information instead of just some.

She seemed very nice and accommodating. She seemed to have a good attitude, and she even suggested that we don't even bother setting up an appointment with the Principal until maybe October because she knew the principal was busy and she didn't think there would be any problems.

So, with that, the meeting was over, and we waited to see how this new year would turn out for our MJ.

Swimming Lessons, Asperger's, and Awkwardness

A kid with Asperger's Syndrome isn't always the most coordinated kid in the world. A lot of the time their movements come out just plain clumsy and awkward. At least this is the experience we have had with our oldest son with AS.

When MJ was younger he was constantly tripping and falling when he ran. He has walked on his toes since I can remember, and it does not help with his coordination much. Yes, we tried physical therapy and casting and constant reminders (which we still do), yet, this boy is set to walk on his toes! So frustrating sometimes!

Anyway, MJ's balance isn't always the best, and his reflexes don't respond as quickly as one would like, and so it kind of put a damper on anything sports related. Maybe that's why he hates sports so much. We tried him in T-Ball, Soccer, and Gymnastics, but he hated them all. He was either too afraid of heights or afraid to jump and climb, or he just couldn't connect with a ball in time to enjoy it.

So what if he doesn't do well in sports we thought. He doesn't have to. Although, one thing we knew he did have to learn was swimming. Yep. Swimming lessons. There was not a choice for this one. While I don't care if I have any Olympic swimmers, I at least want each of my kids to be able to swim well enough for safety purposes.

So, we enrolled MJ in swimming lessons way back when he was around 5 years old.

It did not go well. Well, maybe the 1st year he was OK, just getting used to the water and all, but then when we tried the next few years it was not good.

At 6 and 7 years old, MJ was still in the basic beginner level. At 8 years old they tried to move him up to the next level where he just about drowned and it was so traumatizing for him that he didn't want to take lessons ever again.

At 9 we tried again at a private pool. Still, things were not going too well. OK, I lied, this is when he finally mastered the back float and the back "monkey airplane shoulder" thing. Hey, I suppose he could just float on his back and not drown, but he still couldn't tread water, he couldn't do any kind of front swimming besides doggy paddling. Hmm....

OK, this summer MJ is 10 years old. Now I'm thinking back to when I was 10 and I don't think I could swim any better, but kids now a days are more advanced. At least where we live. Most kids by age 8 already know how to swim and can swim across a pool. (How do they do that?!) I mean people are putting their kids in swimming lessons even before they are out of diapers!

Anyway, back to the point---Micah is 10 years old and needs to learn how to swim, but I've got to put him in "Beginning Level" swimming lessons once again because he cannot tread water and he cannot do any front crawl or swim forward for so many feet (whatever they require).

So, yeah, my poor little 10 year old that has to go be in a class full of 6 and 7 year olds who can swim better than him.......(Thank goodness he is short for his age, and thank goodness for his Asperger's that makes him more unaware of social things to even notice or care that he is older!)

So, how would he do?

I've sat for 2 weeks again watching and hoping while MJ half drowns in the water. Will he ever get it? I know he is trying, but it's like his movements just aren't as flowing as the other kids, and while they are gliding and floating, he is sputtering and sinking. It's been 3 years with him in this same level, and I don't think he is ready to move up.

He came to me a couple of days ago crying that he was just scared and he couldn't do it and he didn't want to continue swimming lessons.

Now, what do I tell the kid? It's not really a choice to learn or not, but what if he just can't get it? I mean, as a swimmer I totally suck. Really. I think I never got it either. I think I got to his level in swimming and never got past it. EVER. Sure, if someone throws me into a pool I can get to the side, but I can't do the freestyle, or backstroke, or dive hardly. I can barely tread water for very long. I suppose he can avoid water his whole life.....but how will that help. He's got enough social problems as it is not needing to add "can't swim" to the list.

I told him to not be scared, that the teachers and life guards are there to help him, and just to try his best. Just try. You can do it. Talk to the teacher, ask for help.

On the last day I finally saw MJ jump in the water and swim the width length of the deep end pool somewhat front crawl swimming to the other side. He didn't stop. He didn't drown, he didn't even doggy paddle. He made it! Hooray! Maybe he was finally getting it!

Well, today was the last day of swimming lessons when they evaluate your child and tell you what level they should do next time. And what did they say?

Yep, still not passed. Poor kid will have to repeat this level yet again next year when he is 11 years old!

But, you know, this is all dumb I think. MJ doesn't care that he is 10 and can't swim while all these other kids can. So what! So what does it matter that a younger kid can swim better. So? He is getting better and things are finally connecting. He just needs practice.

I wish I could have the mind of an Aspie just once. All us "normal" people are always so worried about matching up to everyone else and doing what is considered socially acceptable. Someone with Asperger's doesn't make sense of it or even notice the differences. Sometimes I think we could all be a little better if our minds were wired with a bit of that Asperger wiring.

Well, here's to another many many more years of swimming lessons!

Special Ed?

So, it was the end of the year for 4th grade and all of the sudden we found out the principal who had been so wonderful and accommodating with MJ was going to be transferred to another school. This had us extremely nervous.

How would we know what the new principal would be like next year? How did we know she would allow MJ's 504 Plan to continue or accept it?

We were very worried, so we decided to set up a meeting with the current Principal and the school psychologist BEFORE school ended to update the 504 Plan, plus maybe talk about how it had not worked very well over the past year because the teachers were not following it consistently.

It took us much calling and emailing to set up the appointment, but when we did we were actually surprised what was suggested.

Now, as you have read in previous posts, MJ had several things listed in his plan which were supposed to help him throughout the day. The problems we were having was mostly that the teachers were forgetting to follow through with these helps.

One of our biggest problems still was how MJ would get home and not have the work he needed to do. Or he would be getting in trouble for not remembering things or finishing assignments. According to the 504 Plan, the teacher was supposed to be helping to cue MJ and to be checking off his day planner at the end of the day to make sure he had all the assignments going home placed in his backpack. This was not happening.

Now, good grief I know the teachers have a lot to deal with already, and I'm not blaming anyone. And really, what good was it doing having the teacher always having to cue MJ or remind him or whatever. Yes, it would help, but was it going to help him in the long run? No. We really needed something so that he could learn on his own and something that could help him in the future so he didn't have to depend on other people.

I've been trying to get MJ to be more independent. I've been teaching him how to cook, do laundry, dishes, and jobs on his own. Why not keep going? So anyway, we thought maybe we could discuss allowing him to use his own personal PDA that would cue him when he needed to be somewhere, do something, or most of all---what work he needed to bring home and get done.

There were some other things we wanted to discuss too. He was meeting once a week with the psychologist to talk and play games with 2 other boys. I'm not sure what the purpose of this was. I think the other boys had some sort of anger management thing and maybe he was assigned this time because of the whole biting incident.

I was disappointed though. I figured maybe this could be a chance for him to learn more social skills as far as being taught or going through social stories to learn more how to appropriately respond and act amongst "normal" people.

At the meeting we touched on the idea of a PDA, and then when I began talking about my hopes toward social teaching, the psychologist suggested a different possibility. She suggested Special Ed.

OK, so I don't have anything against special education classes. If fact I think they are most wonderful for the right students, but I did not think it was the right place for MJ.

MJ had his issues, but he didn't really need a special ed class to get him through school. He was extremely gifted. At the beginning of the year they had done a series of tests and told us that he was extremely intelligent and in the "superior range". Now, not to say that anyone in special ed can't have a high IQ, but I just didn't see what purpose it would be to place him in a special ed class.

Just because he needed some social teaching and guidance, he isn't allowed that unless he is put in Special Ed?

I guess I didn't understand. Really we were meeting for yet another reason, which we will explain in our next post.

Spazzing Out in Public, The Need to Teach What is Socially Acceptable

Most of the time you would think there is nothing different about MJ and that he is just a typical 9 year old boy. But then other times, it becomes terribly obvious that something is, how should I say, a little off.

I don't know what it is, but it seems like being out in public places or at social gatherings just sets him off. It's like he's a wind up toy and someone just let him go wild. He starts spinning and dancing and waving and running in circles. We'll be talking to others as he paces around in circles around us. He'll start talking really fast or popping up in the middle of your conversation with spurts of "that's weird!" or "that's crazy!" and it starts to get a little on everyone's nerves.

Now, I love MJ and he is a great kid, Asperger's and all, but why is it that when he gets around others he goes so wild? Maybe we have just gotten used to his fast pacing and figiting and loud comments at home and haven't cared to stop him. It's not as if he is being bad or anything. We call it being a "spazz".

So, do we try to correct his over loudness, his spinning and pacing around you in circles as you or he talks? Should we tell him he needs to settle down when talking to other people and not talk so fast and long about one particular subject matter following them around until they are ready to go insane?

OK, so I'm exaggerating a bit, but we really want the best for him and so feel it is in our duty to try to teach him what is socially acceptable in the world.

I've sat him down numerous times as well as made comments to my husband about how you need to give and take in a conversation. I try to tell them you can't pace around everywhere when someone is talking to you. First off it is rude, and secondly it will drive them crazy or make them dizzy! I try to tell them that they need to get a feel for the conversation and give the other person a chance to talk or even change the subject after a while. Talk about different things. Don't follow a person around talking endlessly when they are working. It is hard though. MJ doesn't understand why all of this matters. My husband, the older, more experienced Aspie, tends to accept these social rules (outside of our house) and mellow out a bit more in social settings although he still doesn't understand why it makes any difference.

That is the funny thing with Asperger's. There are so many social rules and norms that have to be taught when they may never be understood. You just need to do this, I tell them. And they always question me why. Just because. I guess there really isn't a good reason. Really, why can't people just be themselves in the world today? Someday maybe they can, but for now to succeed in the world and be accepted by peers, they need to fake it.

Problems of Labeling, Segregating, and Isolation

I've recently been in a lot of social situations with families or groups where there has been a kid with autism. Well, first off, I'm always surprised at how quickly everyone has been throwing out the "autism card" as I sometimes call it. It's like we just can't go to a social event and enjoy each others company without a parent or friend or neighbor coming right out and informing everyone there that this child has autism and so he/she must be excused for anything that may possibly happen that may be taken negatively.

And on another part, I have seen so often lately this kind of segregating or separating the "poor little autistic kid" away from the other kids as if he/she needs their own personal class, time, play area, etc.

Now most of all this is really non of my business, but it seems to me in the long run that these kids are being separated, segregated, and even isolated because of an autistic label.

I bet half of the people in any of these social situations wouldn't have thought twice about this kid having anything wrong with them unless the adults weren't out there shouting to the world about their kids' autism.

And it seems lately as if they are even giving the kid a reason to act up because the adults are right there announcing that they can't help themselves to behave.

Plus, why do they have to be separated from the other children? What is up with all this?

True, with MJ, I go right into any new school experience or teaching environment and set up an appointment to discuss his Asperger's. But I'm not doing it to excuse his actions or to get him separated from the rest of his class. I do it so the teacher can have a better understanding of certain reactions or habits, and so that they can be aware of any problems or misunderstandings that may happen. I mean, they are going to be directly working with him day in and day out, and it is important to go over certain things.

But, to everyone and anyone? I don't understand these people who go out there announcing to the world that "My child has autism!!!!" Not that we are in any way ashamed of the autistic label or Asperger's or anything, but I don't think it's fair to the kid to go out and shout his/her label to every man on earth.

Yes, if it is pertinent to a situation or environment then it is fine, but I don't think I need to go to MJ's school and tell each and every one of his peers and their parents that he has Asperger's and sorry for any misfortune that they may come across. It just seems too much.

MJ isn't dumb, and I know he doesn't want to be thought of as "the Aspie boy". My husband, although accepting of his Asperger's now, he isn't ashamed by it, but he doesn't broadcast it to everyone. He doesn't want to be treated differently and he doesn't want to be treated with "kid gloves" that sometimes happens to all these kids.

I've seen kids out there that may have Asperger's or parts of Autism that their family, friends, and neighbors seem to put on baby gloves and talk to them like babies, and expect only the absolute least of them and basically just let them get away with anything and excuse it to their label. I know some things can't be controlled, but I'm sure some of these kids take advantage of their extra leverage in freedom. And because of this label I've seen community classes and other groups allow these kids to have their own class or craft time or whatever because they need to be isolated to best help the child.

How does that help the child? All MJ wants is to be accepted and fit in a group of friends. Why would any kid really want to be separated and kept alone? I suppose I'm an advocate of the whole mainstreaming program in schools to allow kids to be with kids instead of themselves. Sure, it's good to be with other kids with disabilities, but they should be able to be with regular kids too, just the same way regular kids should see that everyone has their differences and be with kids with disabilities. There is a lot to be gained and shared by everyone.

OK, so I'm sorry if I've touched any nerves here. Everyone has their own points of views and this is just what it seems to me. Not everyone is parading their child out there with a sign around their neck saying "I have Autism", and I'm definitely not saying there is anything wrong with being autistic or an Aspie. I think there are so many wonderful qualities that come with my husband and sons for having those traits of autism and Asperger's. I just wonder sometimes if people are jumping on the bandwagon too soon to make their child stand out in a bad way.

I hope MJ grows and develops and becomes a successful adult. I hope that he makes it in life and figures out what works for him as far as his Asperger's. I know him knowing he has it and others knowing he has it can be helpful in many good ways as long as it is directed in a positive nature. I don't see having Asperger's as a disability. I see it more as having a different view on life and thinking. It isn't something to use as an excuse, but rather something to use as a better understanding of a person and to more easily accept them. I just hope MJ gets treated fairly in life and not with pity.

Asperger's in the Office

Here we are. See my cute husband? It's been an interesting road with him and Asperger's. Many days I'm grateful to it for allowing me to have a better understanding of him and my son. Many days also I am frustrated and annoyed by it.

I don't use it as an excuse and I don't think he does either, but there does come with it many challenges. One in particular we have come across recently is with him and his job.

He has a good job. He does computer stuff. He is a GIS analyst/web developer for an engineer firm. He's pretty smart. He does a good job. He is lucky and unlucky at the same time. His job requires a lot of deadlines which can be stressful, but for an Aspie who can get distracted or want to do something too perfect, it allows him to manage his time by force almost and get things accomplished on task.

We are grateful for his job and that he has been able to get out there and have a working relationship with others despite his social awkwardness at times.

Recently we have found it has it's setbacks.

These past few months he has had a chance to where he could possibly move into his own office at his job. Nothing big and fancy, but it would be a step up and I think he deserves it. Now, he hasn't been with the company too long, but they did make him a team leader and some of the other team leaders have their own office. I think it would be great for him to have his own office to help fend off all those distractions that he gets all day. He could shut the door and get more work done. It would be great!

So we all kept our hopes up and waited for the big bosses to make the decision. His direct boss thought he should have it, but it had to go through the main boss. In the end this is what happened:

His direct boss called him into his office and told him the bad news. He would not be getting an office yet because he just didn't seem like management yet. He didn't portray himself well enough and look like a leader. He didn't look people in the eye enough. He didn't talk enough in meetings or sound sure enough of himself. He wasn't outgoing enough or hadn't spoken up enough to the other leaders so that he could look like he was in a leadership position. He was doing a good job, and he was great and people liked him, but because of all these reasons explained, an office was yet for him.

When he told me all this it seemed like someone saying, "Nope, you don't get an office because basically you have Asperger's!"

I mean, really, everything that was being described about him was that which directly related to him having Asperger's! Now, of course he has never been officially diagnosed, although a group of doctors gave him an unofficial diagnosis themselves off the record, and he has never brought the subject up at work as to not be treated weirdly. But now, being that it has directly affected him at work, we wonder should he bring it up? And if so, should he really go out there and get an official diagnosis?

I don't know if I'm all for the go out and get a doctor to put in writing that he has Asperger's. What would the point be? He doesn't need to be medicated and he doesn't need counseling or what not. We don't have the time and money to be going out to doctors for something we already know is probably the truth.

And, what good would telling his work? I know he is happy to know he is an Aspie at times because it helps explain things in his own life and helps him realize there isn't something wrong with him but just he thinks and processes things differently.

So, for now, we laugh and he goes to work and "acts like he is important". Now don't get me wrong. He is important, and he is a leader, and he is smart, but he must physically and mentally force himself to act more outgoing. It doesn't come natural to him, and he doesn't feel it is something he even understands sometime, but he goes and tries his hardest. Look at those people a little more in the eye. Speak up more. Process more quickly and talk faster even though mentally I know that is frustrating because he hates to open his mouth until he has everything formulated perfectly in his head how he will speak it. Use more confidence in your voice. Look like a leader!

We will see what happens, but for now, I guess life isn't always fair for an Aspie, or at least maybe he can learn to be more like the norm of the world even though it might not be natural. Around our house we tell each other, "just fake it!"

Completing the 504 Plan

So, we met with the Social Worker, the Principal, and MJ's teacher on a Friday to write up a list of goals on the 504 plan. If you aren't familiar with what this is, it is basically a binding contract between the student, parents, and teachers as to what goals are to be met and how each person is going to contribute to making these goals happen. On one side is the goal, and on the other side is what each member of the team will do to aide in this goal.

As we sat together, it was interesting as I realized me as the parent probably knew the most about what was to take place and what should be established. I was impressed that the social worker and the principal had been researching into Asperger's and they had several articles they had pulled up on the internet, and the Principal referred to a book about Asperger's. So it was good to know they were actually interested and wanted to to their best.

Anyway, here is what was established:

They set up 3 main goals.

1-Organization (to help him get more organized, i.e. having teacher sign planner and review that he has actually gotten his stuff in his backpack to go home for homework)

2-Maintaining Personal Space (help him when cued to back up or give people more space)

3-Placement of Written Work on Page (using graph paper, limit written work, more oral type assignments)

So this was it for them, and being a good advocate for my child, I did not sign it, but told them I would take it home to review.

During the meeting the teacher kept saying there was a lot of things that she already incorporated with MJ in the classroom, but I felt that it would be best to have a legally binding document to keep her doing these things, so after a bit of extra researching and studying up on 504 Plans for Asperger's, I added 3 more goals and brought it back to the school. I added:

1-Executive Functioning (saying the teacher must monitor in class work, use direct and literal instructions, and give preferential seating close to the teacher)

2-Speed in Completing Assignments (allowing extra time for any tests or timed tests as needed)

3-Communication (cueing MJ to slow down or talk louder or softer depending on the given situation)

So, in the end, we had 6 goals for MJ and we all signed it and I was pretty happy with it being that they accepted everything I requested.

I was excited to see how this would make things more smoother for MJ and us. Hopefully now he wouldn't be coming home everyday with homework assignments, but not the homework. And hopefully he wouldn't be failing assingments because of these timed tests that were too fast for his processing delay. Hopefully he would be understanding more instructions that were literally directed to him and he was going to have a happier year.

Of course the only problem was that this was the middle of May, and school was basically over for the year, so we would only hope that starting out next fall that things would go smoothly. MJ was going to have the same teacher next fall for 4th grade (he's in a full time gifted program that joins every 2 grades together), and hopefully this year would be better.

The Need to be Cued

2nd Grade went by without hardly any struggles (probably because of the great works of his teacher who knew him well by now) except for a couple major things---not remembering things and having accidents at school.

Now, what do I mean by this? Well, one big part of MJ's Asperger's is the inability to do things on his own unless he has been cued. This affected almost everything in his life from getting dressed, eating, doing homework, remembering to take his work home, right down to the very basic in knowing when to go the bathroom.

We had a lot of problems in 1st grade where I would pick him up from school and he would be wet. I would worry first most that his classmates had noticed and that he would be made fun of, but luckily he always seemed to have accidents at the very end of the day when he was leaving the last class or getting coats and things ready to go. I felt bad that I'm sure the computer lab teacher was always having a wet chair to clean up, and well, it just wasn't good all around.

In first grade, I had met with the teacher and explained that she must tell MJ to go to the bathroom at least one time after lunch. I remember she was defensive at first like I was accusing her of not allowing MJ to go, but I had to explain the whole thing with him and how she couldn't "ask" him to go, or "give him the opportunity" to go, but she must literally say "go now". Don't give him an option. He must go. I figured as long as he always went the bathroom one time at school, he would be fine until time to come home.

MJ has always been potty trained, it is just that he gets so involved in things or superfocused that he won't even realize the need to go the bathroom until it's at the point of no return. He doesn't even think of going until it's too late. And usually, in a school setting, the bathroom isn't just in the next room like at home---it's down the hall and too far in an extreme emergency to make it.

So this is what it came to. It worked well for the rest of 1st grade. 2nd grade came and I think his teacher stopped telling him to go, and he had a few accidents, not terrible, but it was still a problem. We needed to figure out a way he could cue himself.

And this cuing thing applied to everything. In Kindergarten I used to put a large piece of duck tape across his shirt to remind him to turn assignments in. Yes, it must have looked pretty funny, but it was the only thing that worked. I told him he could take the tape off when he turned his work in. I remember his teacher saying she noticed it and wondering if he had a button missing on his shirt or something, but then it was too high, and it always disappeared later.

In first grade I'd wrap tape around his finger (even the tape on the shirt thing wasn't working anymore, and maybe it would bug him when he wrote) that he couldn't remove until he took a reading test.

Whatever we could do to have something, anything cue him to remind him to do something. It was hard. We knew he was almost exactly like his dad with the whole needing to be cued thing, but the difference was that his dad could have a PDA, emails, and a nagging wife calling him or reminding him when he needed to do things. With MJ we hadn't found a success yet, and the school's didn't allow electronic devices to remind him of stuff (well we hadn't pushed it yet) and so we just tried little things here and there.

With my husband, who had still not accepted the idea that he had Asperger's, it was a never ending battle. Thank goodness he had all these technical devices to help, and his job had him by project and deadlines, or I don't know where we'd be. Let me tell you his days off were incredibly difficult. Nothing was getting accomplished and we were trying everything. Calenders, to do lists, phone calls......it is a difficult task.

We just wished for MJ's sake that we could find a way to teach him how to take care of things himself. We needed for him to learn to be self manageable. So the battle went on, with new inventions day to day, some working, and some not. We realized the best things were more of a reward system, although the annoyance system didn't hurt too bad either.