Saved by the Social Worker

We went to contact the school's psychologist as requested by MJ's team of doctors, but were surprised that the school didn't have one. I told the secretary that they wanted all these observations to be done on MJ and some evaluations and further testing, and she referred us to the school's social worker.

Now, I'm not sure what a school social worker is over or what their job entails, but ASAP this gal called me and started to review things about MJ.

It turns out that she has been in the school since MJ has been going there for the last 2 1/2 years, but has never once been notified of anything having to do with MJ. This very much surprised me. Well, it surprised me that I didn't even know the school had someone who was over students in this kind of manner.

We had initially dealt with the special ed teacher, the speech pathologist, the principal, and the teachers, but why would no one have suggested bringing the social worker in? After talking to her for a while, it sounded like she was the one who dealt with kids who didn't quite fit in at the school or had different problems relating anywhere from autism to ADHD.

Now, how come she wasn't notified?!!!

Well, anyway, this gal was the first person I have talked to within the school district that actually seemed to want to help and get things accomplished. Yes, MJ's teacher in 1st and 2nd grade was great and worked with him well, and yes, the special ed teacher was nice, and yes, the speech pathologist before was nice, but no one seemed to think we needed something more to help MJ. No one seemed to know what to do or what should be allowed. This gal was educated and this gal was going to get things going. We were not going to allow MJ to fall through the cracks.

So at this point I was pretty optimistic and had high hopes of achieving something new. She told me she would do a series more of testing and evaluations/observations, and then she would get back to me and we would see what accommodations could be made for MJ.

Hooray!!! Was this finally it? Had we finally gotten some results in this 2 1/2 year struggle to get help for MJ? We waited in anticipation.

The School Says "Zilch"?

Since we seemed to be having continued problems during his 3rd grade year, we decide to contact the group of psychologists and doctors that had initially helped with MJ's diagnosis to see if they could help us get an I.E.P. established.

When calling them, they were surprised that MJ was out of speech now and that no I.E.P. (Individualized Education Plan) had been set up.

I explained to them that the 2nd grade teacher had been great and knew exactly how to work with MJ since she had him the year before, but now things were a little more difficult this year.

MJ was totally unorganized, his speech was still terrible with talking too fast, too loudly or softly at the wrong times, he was still not understanding social cues and nonliteral commands, not getting work done, and he was getting in trouble a lot for things he didn't connect with or understand.

I felt like something had to be done, but I didn't know how to approach the school myself, so this is why I called them.

After talking to them for awhile, they asked for a variety of observations to be done on MJ at school and for some other various testing. They said the main problem I might have is that the school didn't seem to believe that MJ had Asperger's. They said after they diagnosed him almost 2 years ago, that they sent all these evaluations to the school to have the teachers rate MJ, and that they had all come back as "zilch" as they said it. They said that MJ's teacher's didn't see any problems with him whatsoever.

This made me a little confused, maybe a little upset, a little questioning....I mean, the school is who came to us in the first place saying something is wrong with your son---go figure it out. They are the ones that suggested such things as "Previous Brain Injury" or other awful things that could be wrong. They are the ones that told us that he was having problems and something wasn't right. So now we came back with a diagnosis and all of the sudden they were saying that everything was fine and that he didn't have any problems whatsoever? I didn't understand. Why would they do that?

So although these doctors, psychologists and specialists were putting on record and diagnosing MJ with Asperger's, it didn't do well enough to get the school to want to do something. As I had trouble earlier and told by the district that "it didn't matter what diagnosis he had, that there was no accomodations allowed unless he was failing academically". This did not seem fair to me.

MJ's doctors asked me to contact the school and ask the school psychiatrist to do some of these observations and bring back up the results of some of his previous testings. Then, maybe with some of these results they could help me know how to direct the school for help with an I.E.P. for MJ.

Bluntness-----Keeping Comments to Yourself

Now, MJ is a great kid, and we've never really had any problems with him being tactless or blunt about appearances or if somebody acted differently. In fact, after watching parts of Phantom of the Opera, he still did not see anything wrong with the Phantom when he removed his mask. What an example to us all!

BUT--there comes something with Asperger's that doesn't stop him from telling people things they already know, or questioning them too much.

For example, MJ will be in a class or group and the teacher will want to review something they already learned. Rather than just sit through it, MJ is shouting out comments and raising his hand declaring that they already learned this and so they don't need to teach it again.

Another time might be if a teacher is doing something on the board and makes a mistake or is explaining something that isn't as "scientifically correct" as MJ thinks it is, then he is up correcting the teacher and directing her of what she should be doing or saying.

OK, so he isn't telling people they are fat or ugly, but this other way of bluntness or correcting others seems to get him into trouble just as badly.

I've sat down with MJ and tried to explain that sometimes you just need to keep your comments to yourself. I wasn't getting through to him, and so it was interestingly enough that my husband, Aspie himself, could sit down and explain how he learned.

He said when he was growing up in school he used to sit and comment and correct his teachers all the time and they would get upset with him. He said he didn't understand why they would be mad when he was just "helping them do it the right way" or know what they already had taught, but he learned people didn't like to be corrected if they were not in a position to be. Like if you are the student, or child, then you are in a place to be guided, but if you are the teacher, then it is your place how you are going to teach the class or what or how many times to review.

Of course, as an adult, I know my husband still has issues of this bluntness. As an adult, with other adults, these comments often come out as sounding like negative criticism when maybe they are just random thoughts. He'll often go to another coworker who has a different responsiblity or job and comment on how he would do something a different way when it really isn't his place. He's had a difficult time with this, as I try to explain to him when his coworkers get upset, that they don't want someone else coming in telling them how to do their job. He says, "but I know how to do it better" or faster, or whatever. But it doesn't matter. It is their job to do and they don't care.

I guess maybe it's the world that is wrong and the Aspie that is right. When you think about it, an Aspie personality is just trying to alert the world of all the possible information that they might be missing. Why should it be a bad thing to know a better way or easier or different ways of doing something? Why should it be bad to correct someone if they have made a mistake? I suppose it is all just part of some sort of social worldly rules that try to get us all to have more tact and not step on other people's toes.

So what really is better? Be honest, or just let people do their own thing? I suppose it is part of a not being too honest thing, and is it really going to be that big of a deal if you tell them or not? And sometimes, even if you can do a job better than someone else, stick to your job and let them do it themselves unless you are asked to help or they blow something up.

Toe Walking Continues.....

Here he is, my little ballet dancer. Yep, a few years ago he went to see the Nutcracker ballet and insisted on taking ballet. Why not? Others joked with us because MJ was always walking on his toes and so ballet dancing would probably be almost natural to him.

I stuck him in tap dance too, hoping that it would get him practice in putting his heels down, but he still has that awful habit of walking on his toes.

What do you do about this? If you've read our first post on toe walking, well, this was really what gave us the first clue that something was different with MJ. We've had so many various opinions and advice given to us on what should be done, but in the end, nothing has really changed.

We've been told he walks on his toes because it's a sensory issue with Sensory Integration Dysfunction.

We've been told it's because his heel cords are too tight and so they stretched and casted him for a summer.

We've been told to just do nothing and then when he was 6 maybe they would do surgery to cut his heel cords.

We once had him in physical therapy which wanted him to be in leg braces called DAFO'S. But that never happened.

All in all, it's not something he can't do---walk with his heels down. I mean he can if we sit here and tell him over and over and over again, but what kind of a crappy life is that?

Poor kid used to have to listen to it all day. It was like Hi, MJ, come play, PUT YOUR FEET DOWN, want some milk? PUT YOUR FEET DOWN! Get in the car, PUT YOUR FEET DOWN! And you would have to chant it all day long. I wouldn't do this. I didn't think it was right to have every word coming out of my mouth to my son as PUT YOUR FEET DOWN!!!

We used to have arguments with family members who couldn't handle this and wanted to spend the whole day pushing him down and yelling at him to put his feet down, but it wasn't worth it.

I mean, yeah, we worry just as much as anyone would that this is going to cause problems and hurt his bones or muscles or joints as he gets older, but what do you do?

I liked the idea to force him to walk normally, but the casting didn't work, and do I really want a kid with Asperger's who already has enough to worry about have to go around with leg braces too?

And even if I thought somehow he could be helped, he now knows when doctors are watching him walk that he walks down when they evaluate him, so then the doctors think I'm just a hyperchondriac over my son's symptoms.

So, what to do what to do? Bad habit? Something neurological? Something physical? What really is it, and will it cause him problems?

I know toe walking is something that has been connected to autism, and so is that just an added thing to his Asperger's? But don't we want to fix that?

Or do we? I mean, really, I don't care how he walks if it doesn't hurt him. I mean, I love MJ and so what if he is weird? He has many quirks, but that doesn't make him a bad person. I get angry at those people who are always trying to "fix" my kids' "issues". If it will cause him problems with his health or mentally, or whatever, then we will find a way to take care of it. As for now, it is the frustration still of wondering what IS right? What should we do if anything. We always ask and always bring it up to countless doctors, and so far they aren't so concerned, so we will let it be at that.

And, yeah, being a toe walker gives him those strong calves that the other little ballerinas seem to have a hard time being up and balancing, but our MJ does a great job!

Gifted with Asperger's

Often people have asked us why we don't have MJ in a special school or a separate class. (Of course then there are still a lot of people that don't see anything different with him.) I've gotten some comments even on this blog about how he should be put in a special class where he can have more individualized help.

So----why isn't he?

First off, if you've read our past posts and beginnings, you can know that MJ was originally placed in a full time gifted program. This was something he was placed in because he scored 99% on the tests and ranked within the top 14 kids in the school district.

As we were directed to doctors and counselors to seek out what was wrong, they did a massive amount of testing. At first what came back was how incredibly smart MJ was. The school's special ed teacher explained how he could not even show us the results of some of the tests because MJ scored so high above them that there wasn't even a place on the graph to list him. When we had him tested at the children's hospital for special heath care needs, they told us his IQ was in the "genius" range.

We always knew MJ was pretty smart, but from what these people were telling us, he was super smart. So we know already that he did not fit into a regular classroom. We allowed him to be in this gifted program to fit to his academic needs.

Now, when the school came to us and explained that something was wrong and we needed to get help or figure it out, we were in the gifted program already. He wasn't having problems academically, but the problems were because of shakiness, awkwardness, communication, handwriting, etc.

We are still in the program and MJ has little if any problems with academics. He scores above 99% of the nation through different tests. He reads 200 words per minute. He is very very smart, and so when people comment that he should be removed from the gifted program because he is not up to par, well, it upsets me a little.

I know Asperger's is a little different. It is still a disability. (Now I don't mean this in any way negative because I feel it isn't so much a disability but a different perception on life and thinking and Aspie's are in sort of a culture of themselves.) They allow kids in wheelchairs or deaf or blind to be in a gifted classroom with some sort of accommodations, so I say, what is the big deal to allow a child with Asperger's some sort of accommodations?

He deserves to be in the gifted program just as much as any of his other classmates. So, he has some issues with organization, with speech, with awkwardness, with interpreting non literal things, and then he has a bit of a processing delay, but why should any of these things force him to be put in a special ed classroom?

MJ doesn't seem to fit anywhere. He doesn't qualify for special ed because he is so far advanced that they won't put him there. I don't think it would be a right place for him anyway. We don't want to put him in a regular class because he would be bored. But then in a gifted class he is still having problems not because he isn't smart enough, but because of the speed in which they demand.

The timed tests, the pressure for neat handwriting and fast writing, and the importance of organization are killing MJ. It is not that he can't do any of these things. He just has a bit of a delay in processing, and then he has some fine motor coordination problems that make his handwriting to be extremely unreadable and slow. He can be organized, but he can't remember things very well without being constantly cued.

So---what do we do about it? It is the constant struggle even to know what to do that is frustrating. We turned to the school district right after his diagnosis to see what to do. They told us they didn't care what kind of diagnosis we had, but they would not accommodate any child unless they were failing academically.

So here we were. We had a super smart kid who could do OK in the classroom because even though he was slow, or weird, or had communication issues, or couldn't write very well, he would still be able to score high on tests. But what about letting him live up to his true potential? The specialists told us he scored so super high on all the cognitive and thinking and academic testing, but that his processing level was way below even average. So then what do we do?

The older he gets, the more pressure is put upon him to be faster, quicker, neater, remember things for yourself, understand, etc....

This is why we have been trying to figure things out pertaining to his Asperger's. We do not know what is right or wrong or quite where he fits in. We do not judge any of the teachers or think they are wrong. We just look for an answer and hope there can be a way made for MJ to get the best education he can without so much anguish. So please don't judge us for bad choices or comments we make with this blog. Maybe years from now we'll look back and say it was bad, or it was good, but this is just a journal and a learning experience to us all. Maybe somewhere we could have helped someone else who was struggling with the same issues.

We also maintain a blog relating to being a parent of a gifted child that you can read at www.parentingthegiftedchild.blogspot.com if you are interested in any of those adventures.

Problems from not Establishing an I.E.P

OK, now before you read this, I am not "bashing" MJ's teacher in any way. We are just trying to figure things out. We thought we needed an I.E.P., but then the school made it seem like things would work out. We've only looked to the school for direction and where to place MJ. We know teachers have enough responsibilities and kids to deal with and they can't focus on just one kid, but we are just trying to see what we can do or what accomodations need to be met.
*****

I thought we had been pretty lucky. We had gotten through 2nd grade without a struggle, and although we were seeing added characteristics of his Asperger's during the summer, we still thought maybe things were going to work out for MJ. We were on the ball and met with the teacher the first week of 3rd grade. We gave her an outline and a list of detailed information about MJ, and we thought things would go well, but soon things went elsewise.

#1-The first month of school I noticed right away that MJ was coming home with tons of homework. I felt bad for the poor kid. He would be doing homework from 4 pm till bedtime. I didn't understand. His teacher said at the beginning that homework shouldn't take longer than 45 minutes, but with all the stuff he had it wasn't possible.

I let it go for a while hoping things would mellow out, but they didn't. I finally emailed the teacher asking what was going on. She emailed back to say that MJ was supposed to be doing these things in class and only taking home what wasn't finished, but I guess somehow he wasn't even getting started on these huge booklets of work.

Well, then what was he doing? I know he has the distraction issue where he could see something on the window and stare at it for an hour, but wouldn't the teacher notice? She promised to keep a better eye on him and for us to let her know if anything got ugly again as far as homework.

#2-Homework wasn't bad for a while, but what MJ was having problems with were these timed math tests called 36's. (36 math problems that must be done in 90 seconds.) We found out about them over the summer and remember I directly asked the teacher how these were going to be worked out because of MJ's processing delay. She said she would try doing some orally, but really it doesn't matter orally or written, there is still the delay. I did not and still do not agree with timed math tests for grade. Sure, I think it's OK to have limits like you can't take forever but making math problems a pass or fail if not finished just seems unfair to me. If they know the facts, they know them. Why must they be timed?

Anyway, he was not doing that well on these. He knew them all and we worked with him daily shouting out multiplication and division problems but there is always the delay. He knew them all, and he wasn't stalling, it's just part of MJ. It takes his brain an extra second to process and verbalize or write. No big deal, but for a timed test it meant a big difference. Pass of fail! I kept telling him it didn't matter if he couldn't pass these off because I knew he knew them all and the tests were just stupid. (Yeah, I know, I probably shouldn't have been giving him a bad attitude, but I couldn't help it. They were unfair for a kid with his disabilities.) I told him I was proud of him no matter what.

He seemed to accept this until he started coming home telling me that the teacher was making him stay in from recess everyday until he passed off every 36 test. So, that meant he was being punished everyday to stay inside and do test after test after test until he could pass them. At this point he had stayed in the whole week so far.

#3-Now, the meltdown---one day in particular I picked up MJ from school and he was in tears. He was super upset because he had gotten in trouble repeatedly enough times that he was in big trouble with the school disciplinary rules. (They do so many warnings, and then you have to face consequences.)

I asked him what happened and he said first his teacher marked him down for not doing his work but he said he was trying but another group was working right next to him and he couldn't concentrate on what he was doing with them talking. (Now it is seriously impossible for MJ to work with a lot of distractions.)

Next he said he got in trouble because the class was talking. (OK, so group punishment, I can handle that.)

But then 2 strikes means you must stay in from recess. So OK, that's fine, but when it was time for recess his teacher came up to him and said "I hope you know that THIS IS RECESS TIME." So MJ, being that he takes everything literal and he must be constantly reminded and cued to remember things, looks at his teacher and takes her sentence as, hey--I need to go to recess now. So he does. And as soon as he does, his teacher tells him that he did not fullfill his punishment and stay in from recess, so he is in trouble a 3rd time.

OK, so it really wasn't a super big deal, but MJ was really upset. I mean, sure he was distracted, but couldn't he move to another place to work? And then if he is being punished, then can't you just remind him "Hey, remember you got marked down twice, so you need to stay in from recess" rather than making some hidden statement about it being recess time now (when you're really meaning, this is recess time now, NOT for you because you're in trouble) and then punishing him yet again for not fullfilling the punishment?

We already outlined all these things at the beginning of the year about
#1-processing delay
#2-distractions
#3-constant reminders
#4-the need to be cued
and many many more, but why was he getting in trouble again and again?

I felt so bad for him because he was just crying and crying trying to tell me how he didn't mean to do wrong and he didn't mean to be bad, he just forgot he was supposed to stay in and his teacher didn't remind him and why would she tell him it was recess time now?

So, goes to say, what I thought was going to a smooth year was just getting ugly, and apparently I was dumb to think he didn't need an I.E.P.

I did email her right away and I was actually very nice stating things like, "what can we do to help solve these problems together" and then restating some of the instructions and characteristics of Asperger's for her info. But when she did not email back, I took this as a negative, and a need for me to look for help in other places.

I immediately began contacting the school department head and calling MJ's team of doctors to see how we could go about establishing an I.E.P.

Distractions

Distractions.......this is usually a bad thing I suppose.

At certain points, I wish I COULD distract MJ away from being so focused in a book, a show, or some blob of super glue stuck to the desk, but at other times, these same things can act as such distractions to him from doing what he needs to be doing.

Homework has been a huge struggle. Well, it is a struggle when you are in a house with 3 other children.

"Do your homework MJ!"
"Finish your work!"
"Focus!"

This is just about impossible for MJ to do if there is any type of distraction.

I used to think he could sit there at the table next to his brother and they could both do their homework, but no. If someone else is sitting near him doing some other kind of work, then he can't but help to get involved in it instead of his own work.

I used to think he could sit quietly ALONE at the table and do his work, but no. There might be something stuck to the table that he becomes fascinated over, and then he has to stare at it and poke at it or whatever.

And just about ANYTHING can distract him! We have slowly found that the best place for MJ to work is up in his room at his desk and alone. Of course, this only works some of the time, and half of the time he has found a book or something else to start looking at instead of his homework, but it is getting better.

As far as school goes, we explained to the teacher that he needed to be cued every now and then to stay on track and that there was problems with over focus on something to not allow him to switch to another.

We hoped this would help and that the teacher would remember, but soon MJ would come home with a really upsetting day.

To Tell or Not to Tell?

Through all this, we often come to the question of whether of not we should tell people about MJ's Asperger's. Now I'm not going to be one of those moms that broadcast his autism to anyone we encounter on the streets. (Seriously, I have seen a lot of moms come up to me and just announce "My son has autism. That's why he is this way." or "Please excuse him, he has autism!" when there really was no reason to announce it. I was just a stranger and their kid wasn't doing anything weird or wrong.) But, when do I tell others about MJ, or should I tell them at all?

What really are the benefits of telling other people about MJ's Asperger's, or what are the downfalls from telling? I worry about this alot. It seems to me like it is important to tell adults or teachers who will be working with him. I usually just have a small chat with his church leaders or teachers, or new cub scout leaders before he starts in a new group just so they will have a heads up in case there are any problems. I always meet one on one with school teachers and make it very clear that I keep a close eye on happenings at school. Several of my friends know about MJ, and family know, and they are supportive and mostly accepting.

I just worry sometimes if it will hurt things if word gets spread across town that MJ has Asperger's. I don't want him to turn into some freak child that people whisper about behind their back. Like having Asperger's is like "having cooties". Sometimes I worry about those parents I've told about MJ, and if later in life they are going to discourage their daughters from dating him because they wouldn't want them to marry an Aspie. Is this dumb? Or I worry that all these people won't see him for who he is, but only see the label on him his whole life. I want people to know him and love him for him, and not for some pity thing or be stand-offish because they don't want to be around someone who is different.

Before we knew anything, people didn't pity him or anything. We did get a few comments from family and friends about his awkwardness and things he did, but no one really thought it was anything major. He was just a little odd.

When we found out all these things and about Asperger's, we let a few people in on it, and now it seems like people approach me asking, "oh, this is because of his autism, isn't it?" Or I'll hear comments like "he is such a special child". And no one really wants their child to be referred to as the "special" child, when you know what they are really saying. They don't mean special, but they mean disabled in some way.

It bothers me. When we found out about his Asperger's, I thought it was almost liberating because it could explain things better. It was the answer to all our why questions. But at the same time, the label came with all sorts of looks and judgments from others.

I mean, so what if he has Asperger's. So what. Sure, it helps us to know how we can direct things a little better and how his mind works a little differently, but it isn't a bad thing. I guess I'm mostly just worried about his future. I don't want people to avoid him or girls to not want to date him because he is an Aspie.

OK, so I married an Aspie. So. If I would have known my husband had Asperger's before we got married, would I have still married him? Yes. I guess I am worried for stupid reasons. If a girl really loves my son, then I'm sure having Asperger's is not going to matter. Any girl, and anyone could either accept him or not accept him for any reason. Maybe it is just the worry that people won't even take the chance in the first place to get to know him if they only see him holding the "I have autism" sign in their head.

I think it is just that you want so much for your children. You want them to have a bright future and to be happy, and anything that comes in the way makes you worry.

My husband didn't have the label. Did it help or hurt that he was rather just "odd", or would it have been better to have been "Aspie"? He believes his life would have been better growing up if his parents and teachers would have known the difference. But today? He has accepted his Asperger's, he even proudly tells it to others, although he isn't broadcasting it to just anybody. Maybe that's just it. We'll have to continue to pick and choose who and how we tell.

Anyone out there have any input on this?

Realization of Asperger's---Too Many Years Too Late?

All this time while we have been doing the evaluations and testing for MJ, the doctors and psychologists kept on asking questions about my husband. They kept looking at each other with these knowing glances like they knew a hidden secret or they shared some inside joke. It slowly came out---MJ had all these issues with AS, but they were all directly similar to the way my husband acted and thought. And true, as I read all these pamplets and books about Asperger's, maybe the traits didn't fit MJ so much, but they sure fit my husband. It had to be true---my husband was the one with Asperger's and MJ had somewhat genetically inherited it too.

As the doctors said, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". This was their confirmation to me that my husband probably had it too.

Now, I had been telling this to him for some time after the initial testings and diagnosis for MJ, but he still didn't really believe it or accept any of it. I think he felt it was somewhat of a disease or something and he didn't want anything to be wrong with him.

Slowly I got him to read some different articles and I introduced him to some other Asperger blogs to show him how much these other Aspies talked and acted like him, and slowly I think he began to see it.

One day he came across one of the blogs on my blogroll written by an Aspie guy who has a lot of great insight. On it he had a link to an online Asperger/NT kind of rating thing. One of them was http://aq.server8.org and another one was at http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php . He went ahead and took a couple of these online quizes and was surprised when he scored right into the Aspie range. Still skeptical, he asked that I take them. When I came out so dramatically opposite to his Aspie scores, I think he finally began to accept he was a part of it.

So, yeah, he has never been officially diagnosed, but the doctors and psychologists treating MJ seem to agree, and all these tests point to it, and most of the things we read seem to match right up, what else could it be?

Actually it has been almost a relief to my husband following his recent acceptance. His whole life growing up he felt stupid or like something was wrong with him. It's different if you know you have Asperger's growing up. Then you know there is a reason for your differences or odd behavior. But if you grow up being odd and weird and don't know there is a reason, then you grow up feeling stupid and wrong just because it is your own fault and you just can't do anything right. This is how my husband felt. His parents ridiculed him daily and always let him feel he wasn't good enough. His siblings laughed and made fun of him behind his back. What a terrible way to grow up. If only they had this realization back then, I think his life would have been happier and he would have felt like a better person.

As far as being married to an Aspie, well, I'll tell you it helped our relationship out in huge amounts. When I was first married, the first years were so hard. I couldn't understand how he couldn't see the need to do all these important things. How could he not notice this or that? How could he not think of anything spontaneous on his own? Why did he absolutely hate surprises? Why couldn't he get anything done? Why couldn't he remember things? Why couldn't he talk to people? Why was he so afraid to call people on the phone or ask people for things? Why did he get so upset about little things that didn't seem to be a big deal for me?

We would have weekly fights over all of this. Why couldn't he change? Why was he so obsessed with the computer and how could he lose track of so much time so easily?! Was our marriage doomed? Was I going to have to be more of a mother that a wife?

When we began learning about Asperger's it all began to make sense. I began learning how to redirect my sentences or be more direct in the way I talked. I learned how he didn't know what I was saying when I made little comments about, gee how I wish this would be done, or I made huge sighing noises or faces. If I wanted his help, I needed to be direct and ask for it. If we were going to do something or go somewhere different, I needed to tell him ahead of time. If I was going to paint something different or rearrange the furniture, I needed to give him a heads up.

I do love my husband, and I do not in any way think there is anything wrong with him. I realize and accept his Aspieness and am thankful for the realization to give us a better understanding of one another. I am greatful for his insight when it comes to communicating with my son.

If anything, there are so many benefits to being an Aspie. I know different Aspies have different traits. I don't know about those that seem to lack human affection or sensitivity. If anything, my boys show so much more sensitivity and care for others. They might not know the best way to communicate and they might seem awkward in any conversation, but they truly love and care for others. They just don't always know how to do it properly. Maybe they don't care how they dress or understand why it matters to match clothes, but they are so smart, and really open my eyes to all their insights. I will never be upset that I married an Aspie, or that any of my children inherit it, but I will cherish them and every part of them that makes them the unique person they are.