Super Smart with Asperger's

OK, so much of this is a recap, but if you haven't been following this blog, it needed a little reviewing:

For years we have known that MJ was gifted. It is what we first noticed before anything else. Poor kid suffered bored through Kindergarten then tested into a gifted split program where we put him into another school. We worked through 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade trying to figure out a place for him.

He was always so super smart, but then all these little things were holding him back. With his Asperger's he has trouble processing things quickly, his handwriting is terrible, and his gross motor skills leave him clumsy and awkward. His organization skills are awful, his short term memory for remembering things to bring home or assignments was not good. His speech was delayed and he mostly stuttered or got stuck on phrases when trying to explain things.

When he was in first grade and the teachers came to us telling us they thought something was wrong, we took him straight up to the children's hospital to have him checked out. MRI's, neurologists, pediatric specialists....in the end it came down to Asperger's. I had never even heard of Asperger's before then.

We were sent to specialists for Asperger's and psychologists to evaluate MJ. Also, the school was testing MJ on his intelligence and motor skills at the same time.

Through all this, back in first grade, along with the diagnosis of Asperger's, these teachers and doctors were telling us another thing---MJ was brilliant. They told me his IQ was "in the genius range", and that he was testing off the charts, but then the problem all came down to processing. There was this huge gap between his intelligence and what he could process. It seemed very unfair. He was super smart, but he couldn't let others see it because it was too difficult to write, or he was too slow or awkward to communicate.

Back then I called the school district and talked to the school asking what we could do to help him. Couldn't we accommodate him in some way so that he could be able to communicate this knowledge and intelligence to others?

I was outraged when the school district told me that it didn't matter what medical diagnosis he had, that as long as he wasn't failing academically, that there was no need to accommodate him in any way.

So, fine. Let MJ be super smart, but let him never be able to show it because the school system doesn't care unless your child is failing.

This seemed like a huge injustice to me. But, life went on and I guess we were lucky that he was still making it in this gifted program. His teacher for the first 2 years knew how to work with MJ and actually by the end of 2nd grade, he was improving some on his handwriting and not stuttering as much. Good for him.

3rd grade proved more difficult. He was demanded much more written work and timed tests which were just too much for a child with a processing delay and physical difficulty in handwriting. I remember trying to work with his teacher and talking to the gifted coordinator trying to find a place for him. It was hard to make a place in a gifted program for a kid with Asperger's. I was getting extremely frustrated, but I had been researching, and talking to MJ's doctors, and they were concerned why MJ wasn't getting any accommodations.

We finally found out the school had a social worker who we had work alongside us in finally setting up a 504 Accommodation Plan for MJ at the end of 3rd grade. Maybe now he wouldn't get so left behind.

We switched schools for the start of 4th grade for social reasons really, but then things continued to not work out. This time it was more academic problems. It was like we couldn't win. He was either bored academically, or miserable socially. Or sometimes both.

Back at the beginning of 4th grade, we met with the teachers, school psychologist, and principal of the new school to discuss MJ and what we could do as far as his Asperger's and how the school material wasn't challenging enough for MJ. (We were back at the regular neighborhood school and right away MJ was far advanced in all the subjects and was questioning why he wasn't learning anything new.) We didn't know what to do and asked about grade promotion.

The school started a series of testing that lasted 3 weeks. MJ didn't mind. He actually likes taking tests. But anyway, at the end of all this, the psychologist told us that MJ was like a kid in 300,000. She said much of what we had heard before, in that his intelligence was that in the "very superior" range, and that he was testing far above his peers, but that his processing was that average to kids his age. (Well, this was good at least---his processing had finally caught up to his peers. But it wasn't right compared to how far ahead he was intellectually.)

But this time it was different. THIS school actually cared about MJ's potential, and they wanted to be able to match his education with his intelligence and not let anything hold him back. So, for the first time, they were going to work with him. They were going to allow him to do extra things, and take certain subjects in the grade level higher to match what he knew.

It was a little weird though. Because they were telling us basically that MJ was brilliant, but they didn't want to skip him any grades, because if they did then they would have to skip him again in 3 months, and again and again....

Now, I'm thinking, what? First off, I would not skip my child again and again and again. And how can they know this or say this? They said he had the ability to "master anything presented him in a short period of time" and so he would just keep going on and on. They decided rather to accommodate him by the split grade thing and giving him time to do more research into things he was interested in , and giving him his own laptop to make up power point projects to present his class.

Well, all was well for a while, but....we were getting into some problems. You take a kid with Asperger's who is very into routine and schedule, and who can't handle transitions, and then you try to have them go back and forth between grades and see what happens when the times don't always match up for math, or he misses part of his regular grades class, or recess time. MJ was coming home with major meltdowns on a weekly basis.

And, although he had this laptop to use, really he was never remembering he could do that, and he was just given busy work a lot of the time to fill in the time he was normally bored.

Socially at first he was doing well at the new school. We thought he had a few friends, but by the end of 4th grade, he was back to being friendless and bored with school. He told us that besides math (in which he took in 5th grade), he didn't learn anything he didn't already know except for stuff about soil.

And now, we also found out the principal was being transferred to another school, and we were worried. What would happen to MJ?

Would the new principal agree with the way things had been done this last year? Would she allow a 504 plan for MJ? Would she decide he should not do split grades and have him repeat 5th grade math all together?

We didn't know what to do. We hated how the school day caused emotional drama for MJ. It wasn't always smooth, and he was freaking out because of the non-routine. They had told us when he got into 6th grade that they wanted him to walk down the street to the junior high school for more advanced subjects. We didn't want that. That didn't seem safe. How would that work out? We didn't want MJ to have to repeat the same subjects next year either. So what could we do?

This is why when we decided to meet with the Principal and school psychologist, we wanted to discuss the 504 Plan to make sure it would be in place for next year, but also we had a separate agenda. We wanted to suggest MJ be skipped into the 6th grade for next year.

Yes, I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, "Are you crazy?! Skip a child with Asperger's a grade where he is going to have one big emotional meltdown and all kinds of trouble?" And yes, maybe we are crazy, but we were finding out more and more that there wasn't a place socially for MJ. We had been going back and forth for so long. We started out trying to help him fit in socially, but then that didn't work, so we moved him schools to focus on academics, but then he failed miserably socially, so we moved him back, and now he was hating life academically. It was like we couldn't win no matter what. And by the end of this year, we were beginning to see that maybe MJ was never going to fit in socially no matter where he was placed. So, should we hold him back for fear of social downfall, when really he wouldn't fit in no matter what grade? Plus, do we torment him by making him repeat subjects he already has mastered, or do we torment him by having his school day all crazy and never exactly set because the separate grades do things at different times?

Really, what could we do? The only resource I've had is that of my husband, a grown up adult with Asperger's, also very gifted, who has lived through school life and is able to give his opinions.

For my husband, school was miserable, and he never really fit in socially. He hated elementary school and was always bored. He says not until junior high did he begin to enjoy school because he was more challenged and the subjects were split into levels more where he could be challenged. He said he always wished he could have been more challenged and skipped grades just to get out and done with school. The uneven school day is a nightmare for Aspies. MJ needed to be challenged and allowed to not have to repeat math and other subjects, but at the same time, it was too hard to have him not have one set teacher and a set schedule.

So, here we were meeting with the school psychologist and Principal who were actually both very surprised this was on our agenda. The psychologist thought it would not be good to skip MJ. She said she could see all kinds of "red flags" socially and emotionally, but at the same time, she said he was not the normal kid. With Asperger's it put a whole mix in the puzzle because who was to say he would ever really get things socially? We were kind of frustrated because she was the one who basically had told us before that MJ should be in college almost, but now she was like how could we even think about promoting him?

My husband did all the talking and described what he felt and shared his experiences. Now, he and MJ are like peas in a pod. They think the same, they act the same, they understand one another. Hopefully, somehow he knew what would be best. MJ was all up for the idea of skipping the 5th grade. He already had mastered math, and reading he is a whiz. Grammar he already knows. Science he is smart in. The only thing really would be history, that maybe we could work on over the summer.

But still, really? Was this a right thing to do? I kept asking my husband if this was OK. He kept saying again and again that it was the only way. MJ needed stability, but he also needed to be challenged.

So, after some consideration, the Principal was to be the deciding judge in the matter. It was the last week of school, and we waited in agony for what the decision would be. I don't know what I feared more, the answer to be yes, or the answer to be no.

Oh, by the way, if any of you are interested, I maintain another blog where I've kept a record of life parenting a gifted child at www.parentingthegiftedchild.blogspot.com. This blog I try to keep focused on our life with Asperger's, but the other blog I focus on our life decisions, trials and errors in raising a couple of smart kids. They seem to intermix a lot though. It seems as if they go hand in hand.

Special Ed?

So, it was the end of the year for 4th grade and all of the sudden we found out the principal who had been so wonderful and accommodating with MJ was going to be transferred to another school. This had us extremely nervous.

How would we know what the new principal would be like next year? How did we know she would allow MJ's 504 Plan to continue or accept it?

We were very worried, so we decided to set up a meeting with the current Principal and the school psychologist BEFORE school ended to update the 504 Plan, plus maybe talk about how it had not worked very well over the past year because the teachers were not following it consistently.

It took us much calling and emailing to set up the appointment, but when we did we were actually surprised what was suggested.

Now, as you have read in previous posts, MJ had several things listed in his plan which were supposed to help him throughout the day. The problems we were having was mostly that the teachers were forgetting to follow through with these helps.

One of our biggest problems still was how MJ would get home and not have the work he needed to do. Or he would be getting in trouble for not remembering things or finishing assignments. According to the 504 Plan, the teacher was supposed to be helping to cue MJ and to be checking off his day planner at the end of the day to make sure he had all the assignments going home placed in his backpack. This was not happening.

Now, good grief I know the teachers have a lot to deal with already, and I'm not blaming anyone. And really, what good was it doing having the teacher always having to cue MJ or remind him or whatever. Yes, it would help, but was it going to help him in the long run? No. We really needed something so that he could learn on his own and something that could help him in the future so he didn't have to depend on other people.

I've been trying to get MJ to be more independent. I've been teaching him how to cook, do laundry, dishes, and jobs on his own. Why not keep going? So anyway, we thought maybe we could discuss allowing him to use his own personal PDA that would cue him when he needed to be somewhere, do something, or most of all---what work he needed to bring home and get done.

There were some other things we wanted to discuss too. He was meeting once a week with the psychologist to talk and play games with 2 other boys. I'm not sure what the purpose of this was. I think the other boys had some sort of anger management thing and maybe he was assigned this time because of the whole biting incident.

I was disappointed though. I figured maybe this could be a chance for him to learn more social skills as far as being taught or going through social stories to learn more how to appropriately respond and act amongst "normal" people.

At the meeting we touched on the idea of a PDA, and then when I began talking about my hopes toward social teaching, the psychologist suggested a different possibility. She suggested Special Ed.

OK, so I don't have anything against special education classes. If fact I think they are most wonderful for the right students, but I did not think it was the right place for MJ.

MJ had his issues, but he didn't really need a special ed class to get him through school. He was extremely gifted. At the beginning of the year they had done a series of tests and told us that he was extremely intelligent and in the "superior range". Now, not to say that anyone in special ed can't have a high IQ, but I just didn't see what purpose it would be to place him in a special ed class.

Just because he needed some social teaching and guidance, he isn't allowed that unless he is put in Special Ed?

I guess I didn't understand. Really we were meeting for yet another reason, which we will explain in our next post.

Forgetting to Follow the 504 Plan

The new school had a copy of the 504 Accommodation Plan set up for MJ, and we had met with the school Principal, psychologist, and his teacher, so we figured all would be well. However, we soon began to see holes developing in this plan and things were not working out as hoped.

Not that the teachers were doing anything wrong. They were just often forgetting the things about MJ, and how certain things should be handled. I know it is difficult to be a teacher enough as it is with having close to 30 students in a classroom. It is hard to remember everything with that many students, but I thought that was the point of having a 504 Accommodation Plan so that it was something in hard copy that could be looked at to help remind them.

MJ had a wonderful teacher, and we were lucky to have her. She had previous experience with other students with Asperger's, and so we knew she would work well with him. The problem we were having is that MJ was coming home again without assignments, or he was not even doing some assignments because she was not being literal enough. He was having meltdowns in class because he wasn't being told to go to other classes on time. He wasn't communicating with the teacher and so was missing out on various things. He wasn't finishing tests because he wasn't being given enough time to write.

Now, as a refresher, I'll explain some of MJ's difficulties;

With MJ's Asperger's, it affects the way he is able to process information. While he is super smart, he is unable to process the information quickly enough to put it out in words or on paper. This has caused him to fall behind in timed tests or not be able to finish things at the same speed as other students. His motor skills are not very smooth and so he appears awkward and clumsy. His handwriting is very forced, slow and sloppy. He doesn't see spacial relations very well and so any information on paper that he writes appears jumbled and smooshed together. He doesn't understand personal space and so often gets too close to others. He doesn't understand a lot of social cues or rules. He only understands direct, literal communication and instructions. He becomes too focused on most tasks and so cannot remember smaller tasks. He must be constantly cued to remember when or what needs to be done or what to bring home.

So, because of all of these things, his Accommodation Plan was set up to help him to succeed despite these challenges. MJ was super intelligent, but in order for him to live up to his full potential and succeed in school, he needed these few directions:

His Plan listed 6 accommodations:

1-To be allowed extra time to complete written work, or cut written work in half, or perform assignments/tests orally if needed.

2-To be cued when invading others' personal space.

3-With the teacher's help to go through his planner at the end of the day and make sure all needed materials for homework are getting in his backpack to go home.

4-Seating closest to the teacher and importance of teacher in using only direct and literal instructions.

5-Allowing him to use graph paper to help better organize work on the written page, especially in math.

6-Having the teacher cue him when talking inappropriately loud or soft, or too fast.

So, anyway, yes, it was a lot to take in, but not that difficult to accommodate. Well, at least I didn't think it was a big deal. Then again, we've been doing this for years.

MJ was coming home from school and he didn't have homework again. He brought home a midterm with all A's, yet a C in English because he wasn't finishing written essay questions on tests in time. He wasn't completing tests or doing certain assignments in school because he was not being told he "had to do them", but only being asked, "why are you not doing this?"

Nothing huge. I just had to email the teacher several times, and at one parent teacher conference I had to remind her that he can't ask a kid with Asperger's why they haven't done something to mean that they are supposed to do it. They will not understand. I was surprised when meeting MJ's math teacher (They had recently placed him with a higher grade math teacher.) that she had not even been told about his Asperger's or shared his 504 plan.

I guess it was just a little frustrating to have to keep reminding them of what was supposed to be taking place. Yes, they were always very very nice and accommodating, so I guess I should be very grateful, but I just thought the whole purpose of this 504 Plan was so things could go a bit smoother. This was life I guess. Always a challenge. I'm sure it will continue to be a challenge. We just keep taking each day a step at a time.

Biting?!

4th grade seemed to be going well with MJ. I had met with the teacher the first week and shown her his previous 504 accommodation plan from the previous school. She informed me that she had a student with Asperger's before, so she was somewhat familiar with it.

I was a little concerned that the principal didn't seem to think it was necessary to update the 504 plan or have the new school team sign it, but he assured me that they would follow it just the same. So I let it be.

Things seemed pretty good. I didn't hear of any problems. Then it came time for parent teacher conferences.

As I was finishing up with my younger son's 2nd grade teacher, I noticed the principal waiting for me. He seemed to want to go with me to meet with MJ's teacher. Gee, I thought that was pretty nice that he seemed all concerned MJ was fitting in, but yet did I know what was really going on.....

We had met earlier in the week with the principal, teacher, and school psychologist setting up a plan for MJ which I will get into more at a later post, so I did think maybe the principal was just coming with me to PT conferences to show his involvement and support. We also had the school psychologist join us, so I thought we were pretty popular, but really I soon found out that there had been an "incident".

The teacher went over MJ's grades and progress and all that, but then she asked him if he had told me what happened yesterday. I can't explain the expression MJ was making, and he was silent, so I was a little confused as to what happened. I was hoping it was a good thing? Apparently it was not.

Yesterday, as the psychologist explained, things got "escalated". Escalated? What exactly did that mean anyhow? She said MJ was playing with another boy and then she used that word again, and I'm thinking huh? But then she says MJ bit the other boy. Bit him on the upper shoulder?

I'm sitting there in disbelief because MJ has never ever ever bit another kid. Never. Not even his brother at home. How could this be? And, how does a kid bite another kid on the upper arm/shoulder area? What would possess someone to do that?

MJ was very upset. He wasn't saying a word, but tears were streaming down his face. I was super upset---not exactly upset only at MJ's actions, but at the whole embarrassing and horrifying situation in itself. Here I was in front of the teacher, the principal, and the school psychologist, and they are probably waiting for me to do some disciplinary action of some sort, but it is all shoved on me at once.

I am trying to tell them that this has NEVER happened ever and at the same time I am asking MJ why he would do this and telling him that this is totally unacceptable, and I'm thinking biting is a pretty big terrible thing, and wondering what comes next, suspension?

Then I am surprised at what happens next. The teacher and school psychologist begin showing me MJ's marks in citizenship and behavior. On his report MJ has all H's meaning honors, but then he has one S (for satisfactory) but with a circle around it and a star they have drawn next to it. They tell me he has done well, but as far as behavior is concerned he only has an S, but it is because they understand he has Asperger's and that it is OK. In a sense they were telling me that it was OK for MJ to misbehave and that it was OK because Asperger's was his excuse.

OK, now, I agree there are some issues sometimes with MJ and his Asperger's, but I do not accept it an excuse to bad behavior. I have taught and raised this kid to behave well and to make good decisions, and I do not allow him to get away with misbehaving, excusing it to Asperger's. I mean, yes, a lot of the time there have been incidents where he has gotten in trouble at home or at school because of things related to him having Asperger's like a misunderstanding, or not getting the social rules or the problems with change or transitions, or whatever, but it has never been outright fighting, hitting, or biting. I did not accept this excuse, while the school seemed to excuse it off.

I asked them what should I do, if I should contact the other child's mom to apologize, or what proper procedures did we need to take care of, and they told me it was all fine. I could sense that possibly they were telling the other kid's mom "sorry, but the child which bit your son has autism, and it's being handled."

OK, so I don't really know all that was said and what they told the other parent, but I just had so many emotions going on right then that it was overwhelming. No, I don't approve in MJ's behavior at all, and I sure lectured him for a very long time as well as his dad that we are to NEVER EVER EVER EVER bite anyone EVER (unless it is strictly absolutely necessary in self defense or something), and then I made him write an apology letter to the other boy.

I guess I'm somewhat surprised mostly that this would happen, but as I started to notice later, MJ did seem to bottle up his emotions a little too much, and then he would get upset and just act without thinking. I saw this with his brother sometimes. Or, I guess I've seen it more as emotional meltdowns where he is crying about change or something that didn't go as planned, but I had just never seen the anger part.

Still, I don't want Asperger's to become this sort of excuse for him. I don't want the school to be excusing any bad behaviors or actions because of it. It is not an excuse. It may be difficult at times, but there is no reason why MJ can't choose to act more appropriately and follow the rules just like any other kid. I hope that there are not exceptions being made to things at school for MJ. Yes, I am all for accommodations, but not exceptions to the rules---if this all makes sense?

I guess I am glad that MJ did not get into more serious trouble at school, because he really is a good kid, but at the same time, I am troubled by the lack of discipline. I mean, really, if some kid bit my kid, I would be pretty upset and hope that the other kid was getting in some kind of trouble be it missed recess or whatever.

Of course, there goes the other fear that I gained this day---now, who was going to be MJ's friend? Or rather, who's mom is going to let their child be friends with the kid who bites? Yikes. How would things become now?

Finally Friends?

MJ might seem content always reading his thousand page books or whatnot, but I know he needed some friends. School had been hard the last many years with him coming home looking so sad and defeated, telling me that he just wandered around on the playground all recess but no one would play with him.

Now, I know part of this problem stems right from his Asperger's in that he doesn't want to do what the other kids are doing. He's always telling me that they were playing kickball or this or that, and he doesn't want to do those things. I've tried to explain to him that you can't always do what you want to do, and sometimes you have to join in the other kids with their games, but it does no use. He is pretty set in his decisions of what he likes and dislikes, and he does not want to change.

Anyway, as we switched to the new school we had high hopes that this change might do MJ good. It would give him a fresh new start with now 100's of kids to find friends from. So, did it work?

The first day of school the kids came home. "So, did you make any new friends?" I asked.

"Yeah, I have 2 friends and we play at recess together." MJ tells me. "They like Pokemon and we talked about Pokemon cards and battles."

Oh, the joy that brought to my ears. Yes, I know it sounds sad, but it's taken 4 years to hear that my son has friends. I was surprised though, and a little hesitant to accept it as reality just yet, so I waited and asked him every day that first week of school. Still by the end of the week he was listing the same 2-3 boys names and it seemed like a real deal!

How could it be so easy now? It astonished me that it seemed so natural and easy. What had been the problem before? Or were these really friends or just a new group of kids that he had nominated to follow around? I worried a little being that he used to list all these "friends" at the previous school, but yet I knew they were just humoring him for several years not really including him in their true friends circle. Hopefully this time was different and this would be a new start for MJ. He was a good kid and although he might be a little eccentric, I think he could still be a good friend.

Changing Schools for the Better?

The beginning of MJ's 4th grade year and his brother's 2nd grade year, we made a drastic decision to switch schools. We had struggled for the past 3 years at another school trying to figure out things with MJ, and finally we had gotten them to set up a 504 Accommodation Plan for Asperger's. This was the last month before school ended for summer break and so we were looking ahead feeling pretty confident things were finally going to be OK.
But then we made a last minute decision and things all changed.

MJ and Thomas were both in a full time gifted program located at another school within the city but further away than their home school. While it had been great for Thomas so far, MJ had struggled for the last 3 years trying to find his place as a gifted student with Asperger's. It had not gone easy. It took us a year to find the diagnosis, but then another 2 years to get the school to accept it and willing to make any accommodations.

MJ was so smart, yet he had certain setbacks such as processing delay, sensory issues, problems with speech and stuttering, misunderstanding of nonliteral communication, bad organization, forgetfulness, and invasion of others personal space. Not to mention his awkwardness, strange gait, and the need to be constantly cued. But yet, because he was so incredibly smart, these things often could be hidden, until 3rd grade where problems were arising.

Long ago I had gone to the school and asked them how they could accommodate MJ. According to the doctors and testing, they told us MJ was in the genius range as far as knowledge, IQ, and academics, yet because of his Asperger's his processing was way below average and so it was as if MJ was this super smart kid who couldn't get his ideas out or communicate them fast enough to show others. That didn't seem fair to me, so I asked the school district what could be done to balance this out so he could show his full potential. They told me, "it doesn't matter what diagnosis he has, as long as he is not failing academically, then we will not make any kind of accommodations." I remember being very very frustrated. What an injustice to a gifted child.

Anyway, we fought long and hard trying to figure out how a child with Asperger's fits into a gifted program. Finally at the end of 3rd grade we were getting some results and a 504 Plan was set up. It may have made 4th grade to be a great year for him academically, but another problem was on our mind---his need for socialization.

MJ had struggled with this for years. Although he did have some friends, most of them were in the grade level above his, and many of them were not close friends. He would go tag along with some of the other kids at recess or try to involve himself with the other kids, but none of them were really close friends, and I think they just humored him or let him play along to be nice at times. The problem with the gifted program is that he was stuck with the same 12 kids for all 6 years of Elementary School. This is great if you've got good friends, but if you can't find your place, then it leaves you stuck and alone. MJ often came home very sad and depressed being that he had no friends to play with at school.

Maybe it was part of having Asperger's that he had trouble making friends or knowing how to act socially, but maybe he could do better if there were more possibilities of friends in greater numbers. So although we knew MJ needed the challenge of a gifted program, we made our decision to change him back to our home school hoping for a new chance to make friends. We had our fingers crossed and hoped for the best. The home school had the largest 4th grade class of 4 classrooms with over 100 4th graders. Going from 12 4th graders to 100 is a big difference. Could he find friends here?

We met with the Principal the Friday before school started and introduced our boys. I alerted him of MJ's Asperger's and his established 504 Accommodation Plan. We discussed what accommodations needed to be met, yet also his giftedness and my concerns for how he needed to be challenged. The Principal seemed great and addressed my concerns. He said he would take all things into consideration to find the best match for a teacher for MJ.

And so we sent our boys off on the 1st day of school and hoped for the best. Would he make a friend? Would the teacher be OK? Would this school make a difference?

Friendless with Asperger's?

It's been a rough road, and although MJ is a pretty good kid, he hardly has any friends. Sure, he's got so called "friends" who he follows around or tries to include himself in their already established activities. When he goes to school the kids say hi and some may even talk to him. Some of these "friends" are pretty nice and let him tag along after them, but really, he doesn't have any close relationships with anyone. The kids that let him tag along or talk to him are more just humoring him until someone they would rather play with comes along.
Yeah, this sounds harsh. It may sound like I don't have much confidence in my son to have friends, but it is a reality. He just doesn't.

And why is that? What is wrong with him? I mean, really, he's a decent kid. He's pretty nice. He's smart, imaginative, and funny. He's interested in those Pokemon cards and Star Wars and such like the other kids. Yeah, maybe he hates all sports and would rather dance, but not all kids have to be into sports anyway. So what is it? Why don't the other kids want to play with my kid?

Often as I have picked him up from school he comes out with his head down and looking like school just sucked the life out of him. He says he is lonely and bored and he has no one to play with at recess. I ask him why and what are the other kids doing, and he tell me the same response, "I don't want to do what they're doing."

That's it, isn't it? With his Asperger's he is usually only interested in what he wants to be interested in and could care less about other things. If the kids don't want to do what he wants then he doesn't want to play with them. On occasion he actually can find kids that are interested in the same things, but then they don't want to play the exact way he wants and it is over.

I've observed this early on in his life. When he was 2 years old to 3 I tried to play action figures with him. I thought I was a good mom sitting down playing star trek guys or Buzz Lightyear, or whatever the action figure was at the time. The problem arose that he didn't want to play with me. It's not exactly that he didn't want to play with me, but he didn't want me to have any input in the playing. For example, he wanted his action figure to go on some trip and fight the other action figure, then fly through space and land on the moon (and that was fine), but when I thought my action figure could talk or act in response to his guy it wasn't good enough. He would become angry that I wasn't doing exactly what he wanted my guy to be doing. And how did I know what I was supposed to be doing? It was as if there was some script he was following and I was missing my cues and lines. I remember I pretty much gave up playing like that with him long ago. Everything he plays is very imaginative, but it's all scripted and planned out to how exactly he wants it or sees it in his mind unfolding.

So, sure, other kids might want to play with him for a time, but when they can't have much input on anything, they get pretty annoyed, or maybe bored. At home MJ has had it easy with younger siblings to order around telling them exactly what they will do next, but at school kids don't want to be directed as much.

Yeah, maybe he can just play games or that Pokemon card thing he does. This has worked at times. I've organized play dates with other kids to come to our house and for a while they play happily battleship or air hockey, but then he brings out his Pokemon cards. Sure, they may be interested in them, but the way he begins obsessing on every single rule, category and whatever about them, the other child gets really bored and doesn't want to play anymore. If it's not Pokemon cards, then he'll want to start talking about rocks, minerals, bugs, chemicals, etc. and the poor kid who just wants to blow up action figures begins thinking what is wrong with this kid? I've had many a playdate where I am instigating all of the activities following them around just to keep the other kid entertained because they usually end up sitting alone apart from one another playing totally separate things.

So what to do? I want MJ to have friends. I don't want him to be alone. I've talked to my husband about this and he's pretty negative. He says this is just the way it is with Asperger's. It's not that you don't want to have friends, you just don't know how to make friends, what to say, or how to act around them. It's like you are outside this happy bubble of laughing playing kids and you just can't find a way inside no matter what you do it's always wrong.

Well, one thing I could do is enroll MJ in various groups and after school activities that involved other kids. He's in 2 dance classes, cub scouts, and I put him in a summer camp this year. Maybe he wasn't going to have friends exactly, but at least he would be involved with other kids to feel as if he belonged to something.

In the end, we actually took this problem with socialization to a whole new change. After all the work we've done with his school and even finally establishing a 504 Plan, we gave it all up and decided to transfer him out. We made a last minute decision to pull him out of the school he'd been at for the last 3 years and take him back to our neighborhood school. Yes, we had had our problems there, but we had also finally established accommodations for him there. He just had no friends and we needed a change. We hoped for the best and met with the principal to register the day before school started.

Check out my articles on Examiner.com

Hi everyone, just wanted to let you know I have been offered a job as the Asperger's and Parenting Examiner for a local online news website. I've added a sidebar that lists the latest articles I've written. I will continue to maintain this blog to share our personal experiences and ideas about Asperger's, but if you're interested in more of the how to, basic info, or possible experiences with Asperger's, then check me out at the Salt Lake City Examiner.com under Family and Parenting. You can see my page here.

His Obsession? Knowledge!

From all the things I've read and heard, Aspie's are supposed to have some sort of obsession with something. There is usually some subject, toy, game, or sport that people with Asperger's are obsessed with. This is the thing that they will talk endlessly about not seeming to notice when the other person is bored or has lost interest.

With my boys it is interesting. While Thomas seems to have had an obsession with piano, maps and atlases, my husband--computers, but I never really figured out what obsession MJ had. It seemed like his obsessions would change week to week.

Like one week all he wants to talk endlessly about is science experiments, but then the next couple of weeks it's medieval times, weapons, castles, knights, and more. Then another week it is rocks and minerals. Later on it is storms and weather. Or this last week it has been every single detail about fencing. Seriously, he will spend a week telling me every single detail about the "topic of the week" as I call it, and he will follow me around going on and on and on. What are the rules? What are the positions? What are the points? What do they wear? He will let me know everything and by the time he is done I feel like some sort of expert in the subject matter that week.

I've found it very interesting that he has never really had one great obsession like all these books or doctors describe. Why is that?

Well, the answer finally came this past week. We were in a meeting with the school principal and the school's psychologist, and I was mentioning this to her. It seems as MJ has been very bored all this year and keeps asking me when he is going to learn anything new. I've been concerned because he has been coming to me telling me he didn't understand why everything was so simple. He felt like he should be learning harder things. I was describing how MJ is constantly seeking out more information and trying to get his hands on every ounce of new material he can. He's focused on the history channel, the discovery channel, or he's reading everything he can about his "subject of the week". She turned and looked at us and said, "No, I think his obsession is knowledge. It seems like he obsessed with learning as much as he can as fast as he can."

How interesting is that? Seriously, I was shocked that I didn't realize this before because it was so obvious. Obvious, but strange to me that someone could have such a broad obsession. Where that leads us, I don't know quite yet, but MJ is destined for something truly great.