Spazzing Out in Public, The Need to Teach What is Socially Acceptable

Most of the time you would think there is nothing different about MJ and that he is just a typical 9 year old boy. But then other times, it becomes terribly obvious that something is, how should I say, a little off.

I don't know what it is, but it seems like being out in public places or at social gatherings just sets him off. It's like he's a wind up toy and someone just let him go wild. He starts spinning and dancing and waving and running in circles. We'll be talking to others as he paces around in circles around us. He'll start talking really fast or popping up in the middle of your conversation with spurts of "that's weird!" or "that's crazy!" and it starts to get a little on everyone's nerves.

Now, I love MJ and he is a great kid, Asperger's and all, but why is it that when he gets around others he goes so wild? Maybe we have just gotten used to his fast pacing and figiting and loud comments at home and haven't cared to stop him. It's not as if he is being bad or anything. We call it being a "spazz".

So, do we try to correct his over loudness, his spinning and pacing around you in circles as you or he talks? Should we tell him he needs to settle down when talking to other people and not talk so fast and long about one particular subject matter following them around until they are ready to go insane?

OK, so I'm exaggerating a bit, but we really want the best for him and so feel it is in our duty to try to teach him what is socially acceptable in the world.

I've sat him down numerous times as well as made comments to my husband about how you need to give and take in a conversation. I try to tell them you can't pace around everywhere when someone is talking to you. First off it is rude, and secondly it will drive them crazy or make them dizzy! I try to tell them that they need to get a feel for the conversation and give the other person a chance to talk or even change the subject after a while. Talk about different things. Don't follow a person around talking endlessly when they are working. It is hard though. MJ doesn't understand why all of this matters. My husband, the older, more experienced Aspie, tends to accept these social rules (outside of our house) and mellow out a bit more in social settings although he still doesn't understand why it makes any difference.

That is the funny thing with Asperger's. There are so many social rules and norms that have to be taught when they may never be understood. You just need to do this, I tell them. And they always question me why. Just because. I guess there really isn't a good reason. Really, why can't people just be themselves in the world today? Someday maybe they can, but for now to succeed in the world and be accepted by peers, they need to fake it.

Movie Review---the new "Asperger movie" Adam

Have any of you heard of this movie? It was released around August, but it is more one of those "film society" movies, so it isn't in all the theaters. It is about a guy who has Asperger's whose father dies and leaves him to live alone in an apartment. A girl moves in next door and they develop a relationship with all sorts of ups and downs while she is trying to figure him out.

Well, I had looked forward to seeing this movie and taking my cute Aspie husband to see it as well. I had seen several previews and I thought it might be an interesting and funny movie for us both.

First off when getting into the movie I felt kind of bad or even guilty for taking my husband to such a movie because the actor portraying the man with Asperger's was a little bit too "childish" or something. Not exactly, but it's like he talked almost babyish or like someone who you would look at and obviously think had some kind of mental issues. I didn't want my husband to think I thought he was like this guy. Not that there was anything wrong with him, but it just seemed a little too much. It seemed to get better as the movie went on, but it almost upset me to think people might go into this movie and come out thinking Aspies are totally unable to be independent and take care of themselves or fit in.

There were many parts of the movie that hit Asperger's dead on. Things about how an Aspie may not see the need to do something unless specifically asked, or things about how they can talk a little too much without realizing they need to change the subject. My husband and I laughed at these parts and recognized them for what they were.

In all actual, the character reminded me more of my 9 year old Aspie son. I could see him in the character, more unable to know how to do things or adapt to social situations. But as the movie went on I began to understand where they were coming from.

This character seemed to have a very sheltered life until his dad died. He was a kid with Asperger's grown to an adult who probably had his dad handle everything. He had never been out of the city by himself or really done anything by himself. This is where I began to understand the character as a "sheltered" Aspie. Toward the end of the movie it showed more realistically that of my husband who had learned to adapt to the "ways of the world" or had figured out how to "fake" things in a sense to fit in. You could still tell it wasn't easy, but it showed that an Aspie can get a long just fine in life and it doesn't have to be made into such a big deal.

I guess I have mixed feelings on this movie. It kind of made me worry that other people are going to think Asperger's is a major disability, when I don't believe it is. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think of it more as a way of thinking difference almost as if it were a different culture and not so much a disability. In college I got my degree in Interpreting for the Deaf and we never looked at Deaf people as having a disability, but instead having a culture all their own. It's just a different way of life.

My husband liked the movie, however hated the ending. It wasn't exactly a happy ending, and the girl in it didn't understand what the guy meant in the end. And it bugs me that I understood what the guy meant although he couldn't put the right words out, but I know that most audiences are going to take what he said literally and not understand along with the girl and so think that the guy was dumb and could never do right in the world.

OK, so I don't want to spoil this movie for anyone as to why I'm not giving big details, and I suppose you won't know what I'm talking about unless you see it. I'd say see it, and see what you think. There is good and bad. Being surrounded by Asperger's everyday, the movie made sense to me and I read more into it that probably most people will. I just wish the regular movie goer could too or I really feel people will come out of this movie thinking that Aspie's can't have a normal relationship ever and that you shouldn't marry and Aspie.

One part in the move upset me a lot. It was when the dad of the girlfriend was telling her why she shouldn't be with this Aspie guy. He was telling her the guy could never be anything more than that of a child and he could never give her what she needed or be equal, etc. This made me angry in 2 ways. It made me upset to think how other parents might direct their daughters not to date my son later in life, and it made me upset to think my husband might think he's not good enough. I love my husband and never once thought I was married to him to "take care of him" or that he is a child.

I guess one good thing I get from the movie is to know we are doing the right thing to not let our Aspie son lead a sheltered life. We push him out there and get him experiencing all parts of life regardless of his Asperger's. I think I would like to see a movie more about someone with Asperger's who had a little more experience in life, or rather the "continuation" of this movie to see really what this character could do now that he had learned a bit more.

Anyone that's seen this movie, please let me know what you think!

Problems of Labeling, Segregating, and Isolation

I've recently been in a lot of social situations with families or groups where there has been a kid with autism. Well, first off, I'm always surprised at how quickly everyone has been throwing out the "autism card" as I sometimes call it. It's like we just can't go to a social event and enjoy each others company without a parent or friend or neighbor coming right out and informing everyone there that this child has autism and so he/she must be excused for anything that may possibly happen that may be taken negatively.

And on another part, I have seen so often lately this kind of segregating or separating the "poor little autistic kid" away from the other kids as if he/she needs their own personal class, time, play area, etc.

Now most of all this is really non of my business, but it seems to me in the long run that these kids are being separated, segregated, and even isolated because of an autistic label.

I bet half of the people in any of these social situations wouldn't have thought twice about this kid having anything wrong with them unless the adults weren't out there shouting to the world about their kids' autism.

And it seems lately as if they are even giving the kid a reason to act up because the adults are right there announcing that they can't help themselves to behave.

Plus, why do they have to be separated from the other children? What is up with all this?

True, with MJ, I go right into any new school experience or teaching environment and set up an appointment to discuss his Asperger's. But I'm not doing it to excuse his actions or to get him separated from the rest of his class. I do it so the teacher can have a better understanding of certain reactions or habits, and so that they can be aware of any problems or misunderstandings that may happen. I mean, they are going to be directly working with him day in and day out, and it is important to go over certain things.

But, to everyone and anyone? I don't understand these people who go out there announcing to the world that "My child has autism!!!!" Not that we are in any way ashamed of the autistic label or Asperger's or anything, but I don't think it's fair to the kid to go out and shout his/her label to every man on earth.

Yes, if it is pertinent to a situation or environment then it is fine, but I don't think I need to go to MJ's school and tell each and every one of his peers and their parents that he has Asperger's and sorry for any misfortune that they may come across. It just seems too much.

MJ isn't dumb, and I know he doesn't want to be thought of as "the Aspie boy". My husband, although accepting of his Asperger's now, he isn't ashamed by it, but he doesn't broadcast it to everyone. He doesn't want to be treated differently and he doesn't want to be treated with "kid gloves" that sometimes happens to all these kids.

I've seen kids out there that may have Asperger's or parts of Autism that their family, friends, and neighbors seem to put on baby gloves and talk to them like babies, and expect only the absolute least of them and basically just let them get away with anything and excuse it to their label. I know some things can't be controlled, but I'm sure some of these kids take advantage of their extra leverage in freedom. And because of this label I've seen community classes and other groups allow these kids to have their own class or craft time or whatever because they need to be isolated to best help the child.

How does that help the child? All MJ wants is to be accepted and fit in a group of friends. Why would any kid really want to be separated and kept alone? I suppose I'm an advocate of the whole mainstreaming program in schools to allow kids to be with kids instead of themselves. Sure, it's good to be with other kids with disabilities, but they should be able to be with regular kids too, just the same way regular kids should see that everyone has their differences and be with kids with disabilities. There is a lot to be gained and shared by everyone.

OK, so I'm sorry if I've touched any nerves here. Everyone has their own points of views and this is just what it seems to me. Not everyone is parading their child out there with a sign around their neck saying "I have Autism", and I'm definitely not saying there is anything wrong with being autistic or an Aspie. I think there are so many wonderful qualities that come with my husband and sons for having those traits of autism and Asperger's. I just wonder sometimes if people are jumping on the bandwagon too soon to make their child stand out in a bad way.

I hope MJ grows and develops and becomes a successful adult. I hope that he makes it in life and figures out what works for him as far as his Asperger's. I know him knowing he has it and others knowing he has it can be helpful in many good ways as long as it is directed in a positive nature. I don't see having Asperger's as a disability. I see it more as having a different view on life and thinking. It isn't something to use as an excuse, but rather something to use as a better understanding of a person and to more easily accept them. I just hope MJ gets treated fairly in life and not with pity.

Surgery? Toe Walking Continues.....

MJ has been walking on the tips of toes since he was almost 3 years old. We had been in physical therapy when he was 3 but it got expensive and it wasn't doing too much. His new pediatrician said wait and do nothing, then just do surgery when they are about 6 or 7. That seemed odd that there could be no preventatives, so we went to see an Orthopedic Specialist when he was 5.

This doctor recommended putting him in casts for the summer. He bent his feet in 90 degree angles then casted them to stretch them out.

Did this work? No, it maybe kept his tendons from getting any shorter, but it did not make any difference to the way he walked. He was right back up on his toes soon afterward if not almost immediately.

So, we've kind of been back and forth about his whole toe walking thing. Why torment a kid all his life with "PUT YOUR FEET DOWN!"? I got tired of it, and it made MJ have ill feelings toward many of our friends and family.

I asked doctors and specialists every chance I got and no one gave me a real need to take action. I figured maybe some day he would learn to walk down, or if he didn't then oh well, it was his own weird thing. I had seen a lot of other kids with autism do the same thing. He was my kid and I loved him.

Recently a little girl in our neighborhood, 5 years old, was going to have surgery. When I asked her parents what for I was surprised that it was because of toe walking. I had never really noticed this little girl, but her parents said she had been walking on her toes for so long that they wanted to take action.

They took her up to the childrens specialty hospital here and saw an Orthopedic Specialist (well, I believe it was one of their nurse practitioners) that told her if she didn't do surgery on her daughter that she would have back problems and other drastic problems as she got older. Now I have always wondered this possibility, but no doctor has ever confirmed these worries. They told me they were going to do this heel chord surgery where she would have her tendons cut then be casted for 4 weeks, then get them off. It was supposed to fix the problem.

Well, I still think, yeah, what's going to change such an awful habit? So what if you get your heel chords cut, what's going to stop the kid if he's always done it? But anyway, I was interested, and so we made an appointment to go see these specialists at the childrens hospital to see what they thought.

First things first, no one has really believed me on the intensity of MJ's toe walking. Whenever I have asked doctors to look, MJ is aware and he forces himself down on his feet to defeat the whole purpose. I sit there and look like some crazy parent who is trying to make up things wrong with my kid.

Well, this time I was lucky I guess and they actually saw his real toe walking patterns and they examined him and offered surgery right off. I'm not going to throw my kid into any surgery, so I asked many many questions.

They told me there wasn't really any problems with a kid who toe walks, that it's not going to cause them joint or bone issues or hurt their back, etc. (Now how come they told the opposite to the other girl's parents?) And interestingly enough, they said a kid with Asperger's will probably NEVER outgrow toe walking because an Aspie kid just doesn't really care. While other kids will be teased and pointed at, they will learn to walk down because of peer pressure. An Aspie kid is usually oblivious to the teasing, or just doesn't care enough to make the change.

They said MJ wasn't so bad, but they could do the surgery or not. This really wasn't too helpful. I wanted someone to tell me "this needs to be done" or "no, don't do it" and this surgeon was telling me neither. She sat there and sad it wasn't urgent and so we could think about it for years to come, but she saw the need enough that she could do it if we wanted to. SO weird! Isn't that why I go to these specialists so they can help me know what to do? How am I supposed to make that kind of a decision? I was concerned with doing surgery, but then at the same time concerned what would happen not doing it. The doctor said he wouldn't have any problems with toe walking but as his heel chords become tighter it may "hinder" him as he gets older and not allow him to put his feet down at all. Hmmm.....??? She said if he needs to be down playing sports, etc, that he may have problems.

Now, of course MJ hates all sports, but he does love to dance. He takes ballet and tap. The whole reason he takes tap is so I could get him to put those heels down! I haven't seen a big issue with him not being able to put his feet down when he dances, but there are a lot of times when he probably does look a little more awkward while dancing because of it. I want him to be able to dance if he wants, but is this whole toe walking thing going to mess that up?

I waited, and told the doctor I would think about it and she pretty much gave me the impression of whatever it didn't matter either way to her. I decided to go home and see what happened with the neighbor girl. Doesn't that sound bad? Like she's the guinea pig or something? I didn't mean that badly, just we thought we could see her experience.

Well, the little girl did surgery just fine and had 2 pretty pink casts on for a month. They were walking casts so they didn't slow her down any. We waited for the time to take them off. The week after she got them off we saw her at church and she was walking very oddly. One foot was twisted sideways and dragging while the other one pointed up in a strange way. I felt kind of bad for her and realized I didn't think about asking the doctor about what happens after surgery and recovery time.

I watched her for the next couple of weeks and she was getting better but still a little awkward. True, she wasn't walking on her toes anymore, but could she even get up on her toes? I asked her mom this later wanting to know if she could get up if she wanted to. I was concerned because it would be great to have MJ walk flat, but at the same time, if ballet is important to him, he needs to be able to get up on his toes too.

The mom told me she had tried to show her how she could get up on her toes but that she was clinging to the counter and bending her knees out to do it. Hmmm. This didn't sound good.

I'm sure this was all good for the little girl, and actually now 2 months later I see her walking great, but I worry about the whole after surgery thing. I guess the surgery cuts the tendon and so all muscles around it must be built up again and it will probably take a while before they are strong enough to support being on your toes. This is OK, but how do I schedule this in on a dancer?

We could do the surgery then hope he recovers and builds muscle during the summer in time for next fall's dance classes? Or do it in the middle of the year and throw him off? Or......

OK, you're thinking, this is dumb and it's just dance and your son is more important, but who's to say what will happen? I mean, what if he can never get back on his toes after surgery? He doesn't like any other extra curricular activities. He'll have his only thing taken away.

We decided we'll give it one more year. This year he has been waiting since he started ballet do try out for the fancy downtown city's Nutcracker. He will audition in a couple of weeks. Let him do that, have some fun if he makes it, then maybe this next summer we can do surgery. We'd rather not do any surgery, so we are implementing a plan of ankle stretching.

Every day we make him go for a walk around the neighborhood and he must have his heels down the whole way. At school we've told the teachers and principal to cue him when they see him up and to have him agree before walking laps that he must keep his feet down before walking.

We want to see if we can prevent surgery and not have to go through all these worries of when, how, what if???? Plus, poor MJ has enough issues as an Aspie let alone to be in 2 awkward casts for a while to add to it.

Of course we still love our son no matter what, and wonder what's to fix it in the end if he does do surgery. I'm not going to go on a path of doing surgery every 3 years like the doctor told me some kids do who have cerebral palsy or MS that shorten their tendons. Hmmmm.....we've got to break this habit. We hope we can. This year will be the test.

Asperger's in the Office

Here we are. See my cute husband? It's been an interesting road with him and Asperger's. Many days I'm grateful to it for allowing me to have a better understanding of him and my son. Many days also I am frustrated and annoyed by it.

I don't use it as an excuse and I don't think he does either, but there does come with it many challenges. One in particular we have come across recently is with him and his job.

He has a good job. He does computer stuff. He is a GIS analyst/web developer for an engineer firm. He's pretty smart. He does a good job. He is lucky and unlucky at the same time. His job requires a lot of deadlines which can be stressful, but for an Aspie who can get distracted or want to do something too perfect, it allows him to manage his time by force almost and get things accomplished on task.

We are grateful for his job and that he has been able to get out there and have a working relationship with others despite his social awkwardness at times.

Recently we have found it has it's setbacks.

These past few months he has had a chance to where he could possibly move into his own office at his job. Nothing big and fancy, but it would be a step up and I think he deserves it. Now, he hasn't been with the company too long, but they did make him a team leader and some of the other team leaders have their own office. I think it would be great for him to have his own office to help fend off all those distractions that he gets all day. He could shut the door and get more work done. It would be great!

So we all kept our hopes up and waited for the big bosses to make the decision. His direct boss thought he should have it, but it had to go through the main boss. In the end this is what happened:

His direct boss called him into his office and told him the bad news. He would not be getting an office yet because he just didn't seem like management yet. He didn't portray himself well enough and look like a leader. He didn't look people in the eye enough. He didn't talk enough in meetings or sound sure enough of himself. He wasn't outgoing enough or hadn't spoken up enough to the other leaders so that he could look like he was in a leadership position. He was doing a good job, and he was great and people liked him, but because of all these reasons explained, an office was yet for him.

When he told me all this it seemed like someone saying, "Nope, you don't get an office because basically you have Asperger's!"

I mean, really, everything that was being described about him was that which directly related to him having Asperger's! Now, of course he has never been officially diagnosed, although a group of doctors gave him an unofficial diagnosis themselves off the record, and he has never brought the subject up at work as to not be treated weirdly. But now, being that it has directly affected him at work, we wonder should he bring it up? And if so, should he really go out there and get an official diagnosis?

I don't know if I'm all for the go out and get a doctor to put in writing that he has Asperger's. What would the point be? He doesn't need to be medicated and he doesn't need counseling or what not. We don't have the time and money to be going out to doctors for something we already know is probably the truth.

And, what good would telling his work? I know he is happy to know he is an Aspie at times because it helps explain things in his own life and helps him realize there isn't something wrong with him but just he thinks and processes things differently.

So, for now, we laugh and he goes to work and "acts like he is important". Now don't get me wrong. He is important, and he is a leader, and he is smart, but he must physically and mentally force himself to act more outgoing. It doesn't come natural to him, and he doesn't feel it is something he even understands sometime, but he goes and tries his hardest. Look at those people a little more in the eye. Speak up more. Process more quickly and talk faster even though mentally I know that is frustrating because he hates to open his mouth until he has everything formulated perfectly in his head how he will speak it. Use more confidence in your voice. Look like a leader!

We will see what happens, but for now, I guess life isn't always fair for an Aspie, or at least maybe he can learn to be more like the norm of the world even though it might not be natural. Around our house we tell each other, "just fake it!"

"Do It 'Cause They Told Me To?" or "Do It 'Cause No One Told Me Not To"

So, I know kids with Asperger's are often picked on or made fun of, but I always have to wake myself up a little more when problems arise at school.

A big problem for MJ is that kids will tell him to do things at school, which aren't the smartest, and he'll just do them without thinking twice.

One day I got a note home from his teacher explaining that MJ had gotten into a lot of trouble during lunchtime. Apparently, MJ had been chosen to help with the lunch staff, and he was supposed to be wiping off tables with a rag along with another student. The other student comes up to MJ and says, "Squeeze the rag over my head and get me wet." And so MJ does it, and then the kitchen staff sees him and he gets into a lot of trouble.

I ask MJ about this, and he seems confused that he would get in trouble since the other kid told him to do it. I asked my husband this also, and was enlightened that he wouldn't think either, he would just do as instructed. (Well, not now, but when he was in school.)

I added this to another problem that we've discovered. Although they take everything literal and don't understand the underlying meaning if not spoken to directly, it seems they also don't understand when someone says to do something directly, that it shouldn't always be taken literally and followed. (How confusing, right? I mean, I'm not an Aspie, and it seems confusing to me!)

So how do I explain to them what to do? Obviously they have learned through experience. My husband is not going to drip a rag on someone's head now, although he says he would have acted the same way years ago. My husband learned after much error that you shouldn't always do what your peers tell you to do.

I explain to MJ that just because someone tells you to do something, that you don't always have to do it. Especially if it is not an adult and if it is not a good thing. Now I, myself sit here and think, well, gee, of course we shouldn't be dripping rags on people's heads, but MJ doesn't understand all these social rules and reason. I mean, why not? Why should it matter?

As my husband explains to me that the way they think it is different. Like why not say this or that or act in this certain way? I am always reminded by it when MJ comes out with a striped shirt and camo pants that are way off together and I try to explain to him why he can't wear that. Aspies don't see reason for social norms or rules. It seems dumb to them almost.

When I've gone to people's homes or different places I have an awful time with MJ going through their houses or a business in different rooms uninvited or areas where he shouldn't be, and he doesn't understand why that is bad. When we are at a doctor's office, my own husband is opening every cupboard and going through every drawer like it is just natural and fine to do whatever out of curiosity's sake. Drives me nuts!!!

I've had to sit down with MJ and tell him that he needs to think of the world as a "Don't Touch, Do Not Enter unless told to do so or invited" place. He doesn't understand why it should matter, (back to the whole not understanding ways of the world and nonspoken social rules) but I just tell him he needs to do this. Don't go in people's bedrooms when we go over to see someone and we're sitting in the living room. Don't go behind the storage area of stores. Just don't. Don't touch anything unless you are told you can do so!

This is frustrating, but the other is more worrisome. The whole "Do it 'cause they told me to" thing bothers me. I guess I need to sit here and think of every little scenario and tell MJ that this or that is bad and to never do it if someone tells him to, but I can't think of everything! I suppose my greatest responsibility will come to talk about drugs, sex, violence, stealing, etc, but all these little things we'll just have to learn as we go.

This is the difference in an Aspie that I see almost the greatest. I think it is just common sense that you should do this or that, or not stick your nose into other people's places or business, or not do stupid things if someone suggests it. To an Aspie, they don't see why a lot of things would be stupid, or not, or wrong, or weird, or socially wrong. It's just another day and another experience. Most of us can just learn the social know-how as we grow and mature, but an Aspie never quite picks up on it without a little bit extra of instruction, or learning by mistake, or as my husband tells me, there are hundreds of things he doesn't even realize that he shouldn't be doing according to the "social norm".

Again I always fall back to what is the reasoning for this "social norm" anyway? I mean, so what if we wear mismatching clothes or say what's on our mind or do stupid things sometimes? It does add some variety and spice in life. But yes, I guess it isn't always taken with such appreciation.

Do We Have Another Aspie?

This is my second son, Thomas. Such a cutie with such a personality, but as the years have gone by we wonder again, does he have Asperger's too? Does he show some of the same signs and traits?

Back when we were testing MJ, the doctors and psychologists hinted that we would probably have more than one kid genetically linked to their dad with the Asperger's traits. They spent some time with him and made a few comments, but he was only 4 then and I don't think they were ready to make any real professional opinions yet.

Much different from MJ's personality, but Thomas has such strong emotions and sensitivities. He absolutely can't stand any loud noises. He shrieks if I turn on the vacuum cleaner. He can't stand most of his clothes, socks, or shoes. He says they don't feel good. He says he doesn't like the way most things taste, feel, sound, or look. He can't handle bright lights or sun.

Sometimes I think he's going to drive me insane with his oversensitivities! I remember MJ being really sensitive by his clothes and textures of food and such when he was very young, but I grew used to it. With Thomas, I think I am just annoyed that he won't wear what I give him and he can't seem to find anything else that "feels good".

He's very smart like his brother, although he doesn't get into such intense thinking as MJ does. He did learn to read at 4 and skipped Kindergarten and is in the same gifted program as his brother. While MJ was obsessed with reading, Thomas developed an obsession of the piano. He taught himself to play and would play the piano for hours and hours on end. He wanted to look up and find new sheet music on the internet. He wanted to play through book after book.

There's that whole processing delay thing that I think goes along with Asperger's. As my husband says, it's just a matter of having to take the time to organize your thoughts before you can speak them because you want to make sure you say it the way you want it perfectly. Thomas seems to take a little to long to answer questions and respond, just the same way MJ and my husband do.

Transitions are crazy! He is always bawling that he didn't have enough time to do this or that or play or finish whatever.

Who is to know? I'm not out there looking to pinpoint traits or trying to prove he is an Aspie too, but it's good to keep an open mind if he does. He has always been so literal along with his brother about everything having to be called the exact thing that it is.

I worry sometimes that since he is going through the same teachers in the same program that these teachers might refrain from making any comments being that they don't want to have to deal with another Aspie kid or another set of instructions or accommodations.

We want the best for all our kids. I guess all we can do is just watch and observe and try to get the best for each of our kids no matter what their quirks, strengths, or weaknesses.

Completing the 504 Plan

So, we met with the Social Worker, the Principal, and MJ's teacher on a Friday to write up a list of goals on the 504 plan. If you aren't familiar with what this is, it is basically a binding contract between the student, parents, and teachers as to what goals are to be met and how each person is going to contribute to making these goals happen. On one side is the goal, and on the other side is what each member of the team will do to aide in this goal.

As we sat together, it was interesting as I realized me as the parent probably knew the most about what was to take place and what should be established. I was impressed that the social worker and the principal had been researching into Asperger's and they had several articles they had pulled up on the internet, and the Principal referred to a book about Asperger's. So it was good to know they were actually interested and wanted to to their best.

Anyway, here is what was established:

They set up 3 main goals.

1-Organization (to help him get more organized, i.e. having teacher sign planner and review that he has actually gotten his stuff in his backpack to go home for homework)

2-Maintaining Personal Space (help him when cued to back up or give people more space)

3-Placement of Written Work on Page (using graph paper, limit written work, more oral type assignments)

So this was it for them, and being a good advocate for my child, I did not sign it, but told them I would take it home to review.

During the meeting the teacher kept saying there was a lot of things that she already incorporated with MJ in the classroom, but I felt that it would be best to have a legally binding document to keep her doing these things, so after a bit of extra researching and studying up on 504 Plans for Asperger's, I added 3 more goals and brought it back to the school. I added:

1-Executive Functioning (saying the teacher must monitor in class work, use direct and literal instructions, and give preferential seating close to the teacher)

2-Speed in Completing Assignments (allowing extra time for any tests or timed tests as needed)

3-Communication (cueing MJ to slow down or talk louder or softer depending on the given situation)

So, in the end, we had 6 goals for MJ and we all signed it and I was pretty happy with it being that they accepted everything I requested.

I was excited to see how this would make things more smoother for MJ and us. Hopefully now he wouldn't be coming home everyday with homework assignments, but not the homework. And hopefully he wouldn't be failing assingments because of these timed tests that were too fast for his processing delay. Hopefully he would be understanding more instructions that were literally directed to him and he was going to have a happier year.

Of course the only problem was that this was the middle of May, and school was basically over for the year, so we would only hope that starting out next fall that things would go smoothly. MJ was going to have the same teacher next fall for 4th grade (he's in a full time gifted program that joins every 2 grades together), and hopefully this year would be better.

The School Decides on a 504 Accommodation Plan

So, observation after observation went on, and tests, and questionnaires one after another were sent home to us. I felt like it was a little redundant, being that MJ had already been diagnosed by trained professionals and doctors, and yet the school seemed to want to come to their own decision, but I filled them out and sent them back in.

After 2-3 weeks the social worker got back to me and told me MJ didn't really have too many problems with social issues and that he had a lot of friends. This I'm not so sure if I agree totally with because I see MJ as one who thinks he is playing along or kids are playing with him and yet he's not really involved or doesn't realize that the other kids aren't paying attention to him, but oh well, it wasn't a huge deal yet. I was more concerned with the miscommunications and problems that were happening within the academic school setting. She said she had reviewed the tests and previous testing and did see a need that MJ needed some accommodations.

Yay! Finally! I was thinking, yay, he would finally have an I.E.P. But I was wrong. The social worker said she would rather not do an I.E.P. because then he would "have to be labeled as autistic" and they didn't want to "do that to him" (like in a negative tone, like it was leprosy or something). Now, I was thinking. Isn't that what he had? Yes. He has Asperger's. Isn't that a kind of high functioning autism? Or did they not think that and they would think that was wrong? They said it wouldn't be a good idea to put that label on him now, but we might choose to do so when he entered Junior High depending on how things go. OK, so I still don't understand why this would be wrong or not. It's not like we're lying or something, but I guess they felt he shouldn't be put into that category for some reason. I don't think it's like he's going to have a sign around his neck that says "I have autism!", but then again, I guess I am just confused.

Anyway, she tells me they can set up something called a 504 Plan (which I already knew all about and was glad to get it after so long of nothing) that was a way of making up binding accommodations for those with disabilities that don't qualify for special ed services or an I.E.P (Individualized Education Plan).

I was excited to finally have something. She said we would meet later that week with her, the teacher, and the principal to make a list of goals, and objectives to meet those goals.

So this was good! Maybe this would be a start! I spent the week researching and reading up on every legal right that a kid with Asperger's should be allowed in a school setting, and I prepared myself for what I should request when we would meet.